What is Confidence?
It is my personal belief that everything in Pick-Up can be explained by studying human evolution. If all of our physical features are determined by Darwinism, why not our mental ones? Let’s start with the idea of confidence. Everyone knows that women are attracted to confidence, but why? Most of us just take this fact for granted. But ask yourself, WHY has evolution for thousands of years bred women who are attracted to Alpha Males that exude confidence? Using this question as a lens, we can filter out the answer to our original question; what is Confidence?
Is confidence just “believing in yourself?” Well maybe, but that’s probably not a good way to put it. Why would women of the stone age be attracted to men who “believed” in themselves? It makes sense in our current era because of all the social anxieties that plague men, but we can’t identify a solid reason why a woman ten thousand years ago would be attracted to a man who “believed in himself.” A bear was not less likely to eat a man who believed in himself.
Could confidence just be putting yourself on a pedestal? No, for the same reason as above. We need a solid definition that would give a good reason as to why women would be attracted to males with confidence throughout all of humanity.
So instead, I propose to you, that confidence in its rawest form, is simply Fearlessness. That’s all it means, not being afraid. Now it makes more sense. Men who weren’t afraid would be better hunters, warriors, protectors, providers, etc. They would be more aggressive, not fearing the odds against them. A woman could trust a fearless man to fight against competitors who threaten her, not run away. A man with no back-bone wouldn’t fight for her, wouldn’t protect her children. In our modern age, this raw form of Fearlessness has become more refined, into confidence. We don’t have as many physical threats; we have mental and social threats. But being Fearless still means the same thing. Whether it’s being fearless to fight and hunt or fearless to break-up with your girlfriend who cheated on you, it is the SAME emotion that one needs to overcome (To be honest, it’s probably harder to do the latter for most men. It’s easy to stand up to something you’re afraid of on impulse, but when you spend nights and nights thinking about the girl you like with someone else or basking in your fear of losing “the one,” it’s often easier to succumb to our fears than overcome them).
Using this new found definition, we can give a reason for all the behaviors that we just “KNOW” we’re supposed to do. I’ve listed a few, but if you think about it, every single thing that Confident Guys are “supposed to do,” can be looked at in terms of fear and explained much better rather than just taken for granted.
Why are Alpha Males supposed to move smoother and slower? The same reason why animals like Sharks and Lions don’t move fast unless they have to, they aren’t afraid of anything and they don’t give a fuk who catches up with them. Why are beta males always quirky, nervous and talking fast? Because animals like rabbits who are always scared shytless are jumpy, since they always think they’re in danger.
Why do you always hear people giving you advice like, “cut your losses and move on,” or “Don’t give her a second chance?” Because 95% of people in relationships are there more because they fear losing the other person than because they love being with the other person. I’ve seen a countless number of my friends stay with girls after they get cheated on because they are SLAVES to their fears. They think of the hundred guys that their girlfriends will sleep with after they break up; they’ll think that their girlfriends will find guys better than them whilst they will still stay lonely for decades, and they’ll constantly fear that this was the “one girl for them” that they are passing on. They are driven by their fears and can’t get out of the prison that their own minds trap them in.
Desperation is often seen as the opposite of confidence. Why? Desperation is a characteristic of men who are fearful that they will never be successful in their conquests. They throw themselves at the feet of women because they can’t overcome their fear of spending every night with their right hand. When they like a girl, they can’t move past her because rather than thinking “She wants me, I am the prize” they only think about their fears of NOT being with her.
So how can one BECOME confident? By becoming fearless. Let’s take a look at exactly what fear is. This is the definition from Wikipedia;
“Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.”
“The amygdale is a key brain structure in the neurobiology of fear. It is involved in the processing of negative emotions (such as fear and anger). Researchers have observed hyperactivity in the amygdale when patients were shown threatening faces or confronted with frightening situations. Patients with a more SEVERE SOCIAL PHOBIA showed a correlation with INCREASED RESPONSE IN THE AMYGDALA”
Now it doesn’t seem so mystical and evil, the approach anxiety you feel when you want to approach a group of girls is due to hyperactivity in your amygdale. It’s a chemical response in your brain, nothing more than that. It is the same as joy, anger, and jealousy. It’s a simple emotion, and it can be beat just like any other emotion. And you already know how.
If you win the lotto tomorrow, you would be overcome with joy. Now imagine you won the lotto everyday for the next year. The happiness you get from your 200th win is nothing compared to the happiness felt when you first won. In order for certain stimuli, like winning a million dollars or a giant snake, to elicit a major emotional response in your body, certain requirements must be met. For one, they must be intermittent. They cannot happen very often or else you would become DESENSITIZED to them. You might have been afraid to go to school on the first day of kindergarten, but I’m sure you felt much braver half way through the year. Both our body and mind condition themselves to the things we put them through. We can overcome all of our fears by doing exactly this — putting ourselves in fearful situations.
So this is essentially how one can become confident. By constantly putting one self in fearful situations and desensitizing themselves to their own fears. Guys who grow up constantly challenging themselves, who are more adaptable, who do NOT search for a protective aura, become confident men whereas guys who constantly search for security and protection become fearful boys.
Think of your confidence (or fearlessness as we established) as a muscle. The same rules apply. If you do the same exercises at the gym every day, you will see diminishing returns as your routine progresses, because your body gets used to the exercise and you don’t gain as much. The same rule applies to your confidence. If you challenge yourself in the same ways every day and never get out of your comfort zone, you won’t become any more confident than you are right now. In order for your muscles to develop, you need to rip them during your exercises. The same with confidence. To become more confident, put yourself in situations where you FEEL fear, where you feel your knees buckling, your heart racing, and your palms sweaty. The more you put yourself in uncomfortable situations, the more you CHALLENGE yourself, the more you test your adaptability, the more fearless you will become. The more your confidence will develop, the more you’ll become a Man.
So let’s say you have approach anxiety. Should you post a video of yourself trying to do pick-up on googles homepage? No. Think of your physical muscles again. On the first day you started working out, what would happen if you over-exerted your body by a lot? Your muscles may become permanently injured. The same concept applies to your confidence. You want to push your boundaries, but not exceed them. If you have approach anxiety, start getting over it in steps. First approach really old women and homeless people. Start conversations and see how they go. Then start approaching HB4’s and girls with low self-esteem who talk to everyone. Work your way up to talking to girls you would normally tremble in front of. DO NOT spend one year talking to homeless people and convincing yourself you aren’t ready to “move on.” They you’re just giving into your fears. Become someone who never has approach anxiety, who is desensitized to the feeling. Think deeply about yourself and all your fears, and start over coming them one by one. If you always felt too embarrassed to dance, that’s a fear you need to get over. If your girlfriend is a bitch to you but you don’t want to break up with her because you’re afraid you won’t find another girl like her, that’s a fear you have to get over.