Dealing With Sexual Frustration in Relationships

On November 30, 2010 by Shark

The frequency of sex in a relationship goes into a downward spiral as time progresses because of a shift in the sexual dynamic between the two partners – the main result being a change in the way the woman views sex.

In the beginning of a relationship, Sex was a tool your girlfriend used to gain your attention. To pleasure you in your wildest fantasies, to show you that SHE was BETTER than any of the other females out there. It was a way for her to qualify herself, the same way you used your game, expensive clothes, and cologne to qualify yourself to her. Hence why the honey moon period of your relationship was filled with aggressive sexual advances from your girlfriend and morning blow jobs. Once you have committed however, sex changes from being a tool to qualify into a tool to condition.

And here is where the discrepancy occurs. The AFCs, the nice guys, the desperate men who have convinced themselves of their own game with their delusions of love begin to feed off of the occasional sexual highs their girlfriend gives them. Their girlfriend makes a demand, and they obey; in the hopes that she will reward them with intimacy at the end of their training sessions. Sadly, the sex comes (Yes, it’s a sad thing). And thus the idea of sex as a reward for good behavior establishes itself in a relationship. As time progresses, more demands are made, and more compromises are established. Sex becomes a weapon of mass control rather than a primal instinct. The woman’s once uncontrollable desire becomes just a vehicle she uses to encourage submissive behavior and the boyfriend becomes a desperate beggar, surviving off the rationed sex he receives once every winter.

Angry couple in bed

The consequences are two-fold. First, the girl loses her passion. Anything in abundance is taken for granted. She can have sex whenever she wants to, there is no urgency for passion – no impetus for fulfilling exotic desires. As her boyfriends desperation for sex increases exponentially, she loses her need to qualify herself. Even if she gives him sex once every 3 weeks, he will wait obediently. Better yet – he will struggle in the mean time in the hopes that she might reward him early for extra good behavior. Sex simply becomes a utility she can reward her boyfriend with whenever SHE wants. She loses respect for her boyfriend; he is no longer the powerful figure she had to pry off of the social market, he is now a sexual vagabond (what I like a vagina-bond) who lives and dies by his girlfriends pussy.

The second consequence occurs on the side of the boyfriend. There are two ways men usually react to sexual withdrawal, both of them being a recipe for disaster

(a) If you’re a Jerk, then you react with hostility. You complain about her lack of desire, which actually works counter-productively (read the post on why it’s bad to complain). Your girlfriend reacts with shame, she is supposed to be respected, not treated like an employee at a brothel. As she feels worse about giving you sex simply to keep you from becoming mad, she withdraws even further. You get even madder, feeding a loop of frustration, shame, and anger. The both of you begin to fight about other things. Whether couples like to admit it or not, sexual frustration is a strong driving force for negativity and vexation.

(b) if you’re a nice guy, you try and show your girlfriend good behavior for a scooby snack. Unfortunately, women loathe men who feel the need to qualify themselves. Your girlfriend becomes bored of you. There is no challenge in the relationship, she never feels jealous, she never feels the need to work to keep you. As her interest level shoots down, blow jobs become a thing of legend and morning sex becomes a dream you have at night.

* Although cheating can never be justified, it CAN be explained. I have posted a countless number of times in women relationship forums about how stupid they were for believing their boyfriends would stay loyal after they chose to hold back sex for weeks following a fight. The girl finds out about some one night stand at a cheap motel and comes crying onto the forums about how big of an asshole their boyfriend was for cheating. Despite it being a sad reason for a relationship to end, it is also inevitable. And by inevitable, i mean TRULY UNAVOIDABLE. Women may not want to acknowledge it because they are ashamed of the idea that they must give up their bodies simply to keep a faithful husband. But ignorance in this case is not bliss – men will cheat if they must constantly deal with a girlfriend who chooses to hold back sex for long periods of time. The better his character and discipline, the longer he will last. But every man will break.

On that note, I’d also like to say that rather than cheating, you should break up with a girlfriend who causes you the pain of having to spend lonely nights with your left hand for months on end. The reason why guys CHEAT when they are sexually frustrated rather than end their relationship is because
(a) they still love their girlfriends – despite how much a girl says “you can’t love someone you cheat on,” it isn’t true. You can love your girlfriend, but if you don’t get to polish your nob for weeks, temptations can be irresistible. In this case, you need to get over your Oneitis and move on to a girlfriend who keeps you more satisfied.
(b) we feel guilty for breaking up over sex – The answer to this is simple, Don’t. feeling guilty over this is like being ashamed about being a man

So how can one keep their relationship in the midst of unyielding passion? You must shift the dynamic back into what it originally was. First, Your girlfriend must constantly a feel a slight attachment anxiety like she felt in the beginning of your relationship. She needs to feel like you aren’t dependent on her – that if you’re unhappy, you WILL be able to walk away. That means getting over your Oneitis. I love this blog article about curing Oneitis.

Second, increase your value. The higher your value in a social market, the more your girlfriend is encouraged to keep you happy. It will make HER happy to feel like she needs to work to keep you. Women want men who are wanted, and they LOVE the challenge of keeping a man to themselves who can otherwise be devouring women left and right with his ladykiller genes. The competitive anxiety she feels from knowing that she can be replaced and that you are a worthy male will stimulate her urgency to please you and generate sexual tension between the both of you.

And third, use your hands to subdue yourself if need be. Dealing with sexual frustration can be exhausting, but something every man has to eventually overcome. Keep this GOLDEN rule in mind: THE MAN’S NEED FOR SEX IN A RELATIONSHIP MUST BE BALANCED WITH THE WOMAN’S NEED FOR ATTENTION. In 90% of relationships, this delicate equilibrium is broken. Men succumb to their greatest weakness, their insatiable hunger for physical pleasure and as a result, end up becoming whipping boys for their girlfriend’s vagina.

 

23 Responses to “Dealing With Sexual Frustration in Relationships”

  • Thank you, I have recently been searching for information about this topic for ages and yours is the best I have discovered so far.

  • I’ve recently started a blog, the information you provide on this site has helped me tremendously. Thank you for all of your time & work.

  • lbj23

    wow it seems as if the whole article is talking about me , so how do i come about solving this issue i need help

  • lbj23

    i honestly need help in this situation if anyone has any thing that can help i would be great-full i’ve thought of moving on , i’ve thought about cheating ,but its not easy after spending 5 yrs with someone and now you feel like she’s got you by the ball.

  • Dave

    This is me right now. We’ve been together just over 4 years. When we first met, I was, for the first time, learning what it meant to feel like an alpha. I had a job I was doing great at where I got to talk to people (helped improved my social skills), I went out to clubs and would have random hot chicks walk up and grind me (half because my dancing was ridiculous I think, but what did I care), I was more stylish than I’d been in awhile, and I received compliments/positive attention from girls at my high school reunion.

    Unfortunately, I was the one who didn’t have a huge sex drive a short way into the relationship. I had been struggling with other issues and took my doctor’s/parent’s recommendation of using anti-depressants.

    It fucking killed my sex drive and ability to get an erection. Then I went back to school, felt lost, did crappy, dropped out, couldn’t find a job, and everything fucking fell apart. I was the biggest beta loser on the planet who was dependent on my girlfriend. I’m finally getting back to where I was – but our sex drives seemed to totally reverse. Mine eventually came back (and now that I’m feeling good again it’s way up) but hers is almost non-existent. She’s gone so far as to say that intercourse hurts. On top of that, she holds resentment for the nature of our relationship during my low-point.

    I’d love to stay with this girl, and I’ve started to consider that maybe the best thing to do is try to give up on a sense of Oneitis, but I honestly don’t know what to do. We live together, we have for a long time (how I wish I would’ve stayed independent) – and I’m considering moving out. I suppose the only thing I can do is consider it as a positive move in any direction. Whether we stay together or not, it’s probably the best thing I can do.

    Combined with a healthy dose of success (she said she really liked seeing me in my office dressed up stylishly in professional looking clothes on the phone) – I hope this works. However, I’ll keep my interests open.

  • Anonymous

    this article is a blatant attack and excuse for men to chaet and feel okay about it. it basically blames the woman for everything that can possibly go wrong in a relationship and is completely false. sometimes the man is the emotional blackmailer who chooses when to “dispense” sex, chooses to spend late nights out with boys while the woman stays at home and does the “standing in the kitchen cooking food barefoot and pregnant thing”. im sorry i refuse to take responsibility for a jerk who has a complete lack of conversational ability and stand up for himself and wear the pants in the realtionship. i feel that if you do not have anything to talk about sex is not going to solve that and if you think that women use sex as a tool for mass control then what do men use their dicks for? last time i checked it was men who were ruling countries and the poilitical world, getting women to do thier bidding and its no coincidence that there are more female whore houses in the world than male whore houses and thats because some men are just uncontrollable pigs who are addicted to sex and themselves. relationships dont fall apart because of no sex they fall apart because people have lost the ability to talk about how they feel! if you were man enough to speak to your girlfriend about your frustration and problem then im sure she would explain her reason for not wanting to have sex, of course if she finds you repulsive well thats not really her fault is it?

    • Durstin

      Your talking about the Dbag guys who dont care. This artical is directed to the good guys who love their girlfriends but are unsatisfied with their sex lives. Polar opposites. I love my girlfriend, she is perfect in so may ways but i feel like im about to stray due to her lack of desire. This artical hit the nail on the head for many issues i have thought about. Also, there are female brothels because women just need to open their legs to get laid, it does not require skill or intelligence. Men have to compete for sex, when they cant compete they pay.

    • donotwanttobeanafc

      >>it basically blames the woman for everything that can possibly go wrong in a relationship

      While I disagree with the above statement, don’t women do the same in forums, talk shows and in their girl talk? How about women trying to understand us and our feelings?

  • Anonymous

    What all women need to realize is if they just give it up from time to time they would find out that men have a lot to talk about. We just have to get sex out of the way and off of our minds first. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. LOL

  • Serlyana

    This is all very helpful for a man but what about a females perspective. I want round after round; everyday, nd he doesn’t.

  • Rolls are reversed I’m in misery. I think he’s cheating we have sex once a month and I’m losing it fast here. I have a high sex drive I guess . I want him at least 3 times aweek ever happens I’m lucky to get held at night. I’m so lonely he’s always out with his friends which makes me think he a cheater. Yes I have went so far to think he’s gay. It would explain why he’s not show any instrest in me sexually. No sex no oral no nothing

  • thats because women are always right obviously and never do anything wrong, BULLSHIT u sluts, my women annoys the shit out of me with sex too, once a week and im almost nagging her constantly …

  • Matt

    This made me lmfao so so so true and il ignore the negative comment
    As its most definately from a female lol I hate the way how most women
    Portray themselves as the innocent party in a relationship just the nature
    Of a woman though ain’t it lol

    • Holly

      “Your girlfriend must constantly a feel a slight attachment anxiety like she felt in the beginning of your relationship. She needs to feel like you aren’t dependent on her — that if you’re unhappy, you WILL be able to walk away” How can you write these thinks? You cannot generalize, like that, all the women, Not all the women want to live in the insecurity that he could walk away if unhappy.

      • Bear

        He was simply implying that females lose attraction due to their natural biological need to get with an Alpha male… If your “alpha male” is dependent on you solely, this completely defeats the purpose of the provider role of men. Women like to see that you have other options. Sorry to break it to you babe, but no one wants to go out with old homeless Joe who tries to get pigeons to lick the skeet off his fingers after his daily masturbation.

  • J

    I can go along with this. I’ve been married for almost 5 years. I do things for my wife to show her how much I care, talk to her about feelings, and even watch chick-flicks with her. We have a child (9 months) and both work opposite shifts. She works with guys all day long, which leads me to believe that she has the “I can have any one I want” thought. I’m lucky if I get it once every 2 weeks and that’s recent. It was once a month if I was lucky. She had claimed that I was addicted to sex but according to my doctor, I am normal and healthy. I’ve bought flowers, taken her to dinners, done things around the house, and had “snuggle” time. I feel like all I’m doing is just trying to get that “treat” but I’m getting to the point where my eyes are wondering. I would never cheat though, but its still a problem.

  • ruth

    I just don’t get this at all! I personally don’t believe that we’re all meant to have sex with one person for the whole of our lives, for some rare people that works, and they’re lucky, but in our culture it’s somehow seen as evil to have sex with another man or woman.

    What I’m hearing here is that men believe women owe them sex. That’s just not true. What’s happened here in most cases is that the woman has either gone off sex itself, or doesn’t fancy you any more and probably never will. I know, I’ve been in a long term live in relationship with a man who I loved more than anyone else before or since, but never fancied enough. It’s depressing being with someone you don’t fancy who wants sex more than you. It made me feel deeply guilty because I did love him.

    If we’d had kids I’d have stuck around. Luckily, or maybe unluckily, we didn’t have kids. A few years later me and a guy (who already had a partner and kids , not married) slightly fell in love with each other, but I refused him because of him having a family. Four years down the line I’ve finally succumbed to temptation with him and it’s volcanic!

    The thing that made me change my mind was seeing how great he was with his little kids, and how obviously wrong his partner was for him. He’s gorgeous, fit, intelligent charming and successful and she’s obese has no interests and basically eats pizza and ice cream all day. But she loves the kids. Looking at those photos I realised how little I was interested in taking him away from his children, or taking away her rightful support from him for the sake of small children. But I don’t feel guilty about having sex with him – his partner is never going to and life’s too short.

    I’m 45 and no longer want a man living with me unless I meet someone who’s just amazingly right and it all works quite easily. I like my freelance work and have always found men are too demanding and take away my energy from my work. My work earns me respect from others, gives me confidence, calm, creativity and money. I don’t see many men who can offer me that, and why should they?!

    I think men in the situations described here should consider an affair, but discuss it with your wife beforehand. That may be the spark that ignites dormant lust in her! If not then I personally think that people deserve to have good sex if and when they can, but I don’t think it’s right to demand it from someone who isn’t remotely interested. Would any of you force yourself to have sex with an obese or anorexic woman who smelled bad and had bad breathe? I’m not saying any of the men here are unattractive, but just pointing out that it’s difficult to have sex with someone you don’t want.

    For women it’s not so dependent on the man’s looks, I’ve really fancied men who were slightly overweight and bald because they were talented, charismatic, lovely eyes etc. It’s about chemistry and rapport. You can try to re-ignite that with in-depth conversation that gets her feeling more intimate and appreciative of who you are (that’s often the problem) or by giving her a wake up call by saying you’d like extra marital sex.

  • Monch

    ahmagawd! am so glad I found this! It’s a great article that opens my wide shut eyes.

  • Anne

    I like the post, really it defines a lot of relationships … Saying that this is how all women are is a bit delusional. This is my relationship almost to a ‘T’ except reverse the roles. He’s always too tired, has a headache blah blah blah and the sex is pretty boring and uneventful if it does happen. I’ll be the first to admit that I have a higher than average sex drive for a woman and would be happy as a clam (pun intended) if we had sex every day, I’m smart enough to know it’s unrealistic and my complaint isn’t because we’re not perfectly in sync, it’s the sheer lack of sex compared to what we started as is hard to deal with. I’m starting to think I was lured in on false pretences and now I’m just supposed get over it. We’ve talked, we’ve argued, I’ve explained in great detail that it needs to change and it never does. So anyway great post just don’t be so quick to label this as a ‘male only plight’

    • Meg

      Couldn’t agree more been with my husband for 5 years now we have 3 kids 1 set of twins and a good marriage…. except for one thing! I have always had the more active sex drive and am starting to feel “stuck” honestly … Its depressing to me that I barely get sex once a week and. I am not overweight I’m only 24 very fit I run in half marathons and 5ks. I take good care of myself and I get hit on by other men but my own husband barely notices me. it makes me feel guilty but I can’t help but appreciate at least that Someone does find me attractive.

  • ...

    wow. good tips

  • Commenter

    I wish people would stop assuming its always the guy who is sexually frustrated and gets bored of sex. I, for one, have a very high libido and can only see my boyfriend once every week or 2 weeks. Naturally, when I finally see him I want to pounce on him. He, however, is very particular. It’s not that he’s not in the mood, it’s that he refuses to do it in the car because its public and he also refuses to do it in the house when there’s fear of a parent coming home or if they’re already home (we’re both of age, just hush). Because of this, we have very few opportunities to have sex, so we just make out instead. He completely turns me on and then essentially leaves me there feeling uncomfortable until I can finally get an opportunity to finish what he started by myself. He doesnt even flirt with other girls and only has eyes to me and I don’t want to cheat, but I’m getting more and more sexually frustrated. I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, but its so frustrating when we’re getting hot and heavy in the car and he just stops! What do I do?

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