Hey Shark, can you do the follow up to December 20th’s post, this time regarding how “to” deal with a fight in a relationship?
Just to warn you in advance, this is going to be a long and dense article, but one of the most important articles you will read about relationships. Ever.
Fights are unfortunately characterized by either a duplicitous hunger for raw dominance (Jerks who resent their girlfriends and curse, yell, or even resort to domestic violence), or a prostrating need to appease (nice guys who resort to extreme supplication in an effort to neutralize arguments). Neither approach is correct, for reasons already covered.
Read this quote a thousand times over:
“For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.”
Never before have I seen a quote capture the essence of a game concept so flawlessly. The intuitive knowledge about fighting retained within that quote is far greater than all the knowledge in the archives of this site combined. The correct way to handle a fight is to disarm, to mystify, and to alleviate your girlfriend’s temper without fighting in return. If you fight, then you’ve reduced yourself to her level. Even if you win an argument by fighting, you only give her reason to come more prepared next time or your victory serves as a catalyst for internal resentment. If you neutralize the fight through appeasement, you’ve lost your position as the dominant partner; decreasing attraction and setting precedent for later fights. If she knows she can yank your horns by complaining and bitching, her hamster will NOT hesitate to push you to your limits. Failing shit tests is a very, very slippery slope.
Part 1: Shit Tests
All women have an innate desire to breed with Alphas — males with the most superior genes (basic biology). The modern era has no bears to fight or lions to wrestle — “Alphaness” is now characterized by social adaptivity, not physical adaptivity. In return, the method for gauging a man’s intrinsic value has become more complex. It’s easy to measure how physically capable a guy is, but how do you measure his capacity for success in a socio-economic system? Through shit tests.
A shit test is a girl’s way to test the worth / masculinity / capability of her prospective mate. She literally throws shit at you, to see how well you can handle it. If you fail by giving in to her, you’ve indicated that you have lower social market value than her. If you flip the fuck out, you’ve only proven that she CAN INDEED break you. The proper way to handle a shit test is to remain unaffected — an attitude of amused mastery. You take whatever she says as a joke. Agree and amplify, ignore, or some type of witty remark. Sarcasm and satire work well. A short and abrupt “no” can work sometimes.
Don’t backpedal and apologize, don’t act flustered, and never flip out. If she crosses a line you can either leave, or withdraw attention (a girl who isn’t worth your time shouldn’t get any of your time). When she flirts with other guys, you can laugh at her desperate attempts to make you jealous. When she freaks out about you flirting with other girls, you can assure her that she will always retain the “top position at your harem.” When a girl asks you to buy a drink, you don’t reach for your wallet. When your wife withdraws sex, you DO NOT beg for it back.
Part 2: Apologizing
One of the greatest masters of modern seduction — Bill Clinton (seduction is not always sexual, it can be political, social, etc), illustrates the art of apologizing.
“President Bill Clinton resorted to the same passive, impersonal admission in January of 1998, replying to questions about improper Democratic party fundraising activities with the bland “Mistakes were made here by people who did it either deliberately or inadvertently.” In March of 2007, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales tried to defuse complaints about the firing of eight U.S. prosecutors, saying: “I acknowledge that mistakes were made here.”
The unapologetic apology can be softened even further by prefacing it with a hypothetical “if.” Anonymous aides to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice denied in 2005 that she had admitted to German Chancellor Angela Merkel that the U.S. had abducted a German citizen by mistake. Instead, they insisted that Ms. Rice “had said only that if mistakes were made, they would be corrected.”
Apologizing without apologizing. Alphas are masters of social manipulation. If they aren’t very good at it — they’re called evil and manipulative. If they’re good at it — they’re called charming.
A man apologizes for his mistakes, he takes responsibility for what he has done, but he does so while retaining an Alpha demeanor.
Apologize sparingly. Every apology is still a concession of ground. Whenever you apologize and admit to a mistake, take into consideration that your girlfriend can and WILL use this in the future to deliberately mitigate something she has done or as ammo for an argument. Once you have apologized, there is no turning back. If you thoroughly ADMIT that you were wrong, she has boundless control over the precedent.
Part 3: If she fucked up
Your MUST take a realist approach to your relationship. It is far to often that men become blinded by either their own delusions or the uncongenial specifics of their relationships. If your girlfriend isn’t having sex with you — it’s because she doesn’t want to have sex with YOU. Raise your value, flirt with other girls, and work out. If that doesn’t work, find someone hornier. But don’t sit with your dick between your palms contemplating whether you should entertain the idea of a Mormon relationship. Don’t search through relationship forums for some secret concoction to make your girlfriend want you more. They don’t exist. If a girl wants to fuck you, she will fuck you.
If she cheats, then you must leave. There is no other option.
If she fucks up, then you withdraw attention. When she does something you like, you grant more of it. Humans are also animals, and like animals, they must be trained. Our sentient intelligence only hides our true animalistic nature — it does not alter it. The foundation for attraction is a carnal — primitive instinct. Women follow what they feel in their gut. When divorced men stand alone and think to themselves, “WTF JUST HAPPENED?!” it’s because they are trying to take a rational approach in explaining an irrational response. People are 99% animal, 1 % human. Stop trying to understand the 1% human, focus on the animal. Your girlfriend said she needs space from you? No, it’s not because she has to much on her plate or school is getting to stressful, it’s because her interest level isn’t high enough. Pull back and watch it skyrocket.
By using attention as a reinforcer for good behavior, you will make her WANT TO MAKE YOU happy. “Punish swiftly, reward slowly” (Roissy).
Part 4: Debates
“Win through Actions, Never through Argument. Any momentary triumph you think you gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.”
-The 48 Laws of Power
You predict that something will happen and your girlfriend disagrees. Don’t argue, wait for it to happen. When it does happen, don’t respond with “I told you so.” Power, in its rawest, purest, most terrifying form, functions insidiously, not overtly.
Part 5: Anger
“Rule through fear of force rather than force itself”
If you throw tantrums often, you come off as childish. People will be desensitized to your antics; your words will lose value. Theoretically, no one’s “anger” is actually going to do anything. Why then are so afraid of being yelled at by our bosses or being ostracized by the public? It’s not pain as much as it is fear that causes people to internalize discipline.
On the rare occasions where your anger must be demonstrated,
“Scorch the Earth”