Breaking up with your best friend

On November 6, 2011 by Shark

shark ive gota issue, that im sure many others have out there. i know to get over an ex, you need 2 go NC and eventually get over her. that shud either pull things in your favour and if not, then your over her. However, what if the girl used to also b one of your best friends, and i do not use that term best friend loosly (ive known her for like 6 years before getting feelings).

its been about 3-4months and although we’re back to becoming friends, as in the wierdness has passed and we can talk freely, BUT i cant stop thinking abut her in that way. im considering of NC, but i dont want to get her out of my life completly, i just want things to get back to things the way they were before fell for her. is something like this even possible? should i have female best friends in the first place? Also if i do go NC, wen i do eventually c her wont those feelings just rush back?


While this topic has already been covered, I feel it necessary to post something about break-ups at least once or twice a month because it’s by far the most popular reason for people ending up on this site.

Stop talking to her, it doesn’t matter if she’s your best friend. I don’t think most men are aware of how oppressing a poisonous relationship can be. The few who are have already gone down that path and are too enamored by regret to escape the clutch of damned hope. It’s not just the time you spend with her, it’s the time you spend thinking about your situation, the time you spend daydreaming while you’re supposed to be focused on work, the time you spend thinking about a solution that doesn’t exist. It’s not just the energy you spend chasing her, it’s the energy you lose in other pursuits because you can’t concentrate on anything but your self-inflicted heartache, it’s the energy that could’ve been if you were more dedicated to achieving your wildest dreams than securing a remedy to romantic vacuity.

Your solution isn’t “impossible,” but it’s unlikely. And judging from the way you’re talking about her, it’s very unlikely. If contact with this girl is causing you to relapse, then get the fuck away from her. You won’t hear about men throwing away their entire lives for one girl THAT OFTEN, but if you think about how many Oneitses the average man goes through during his lifespan, you quickly realize that most men lead significantly degraded lives because of their serial obsession with a new “soul mate.”

Female best friends aren’t necessarily a “bad thing” — but the friendship will most definitely NOT work the same way as a normal guy-to-guy friendship. For instance, if you’re married, there’s no possible way you can “get too drunk” while watching a football game and sleep over at your best friend’s place with zero repercussions. Unless your female best friend is a hardcore lesbian and/or hideously ugly, certain limitations will always apply (and even in those scenarios, it’s not the same thing as a conventional friendship between same-sex people). Falling in love with your best friend as a whole host of problems – including a magnified sense of serendipity (as seen by your situation).

When you say you want things to “go back to the way they were” what you mean is — you want to stop feeling the pain of losing a loved one and go back to the point in time where you had no feelings for her. Short of being able to warp time and space; it’s impossible for you to achieve that kind of mental bliss. You’re three choices now are:

1. No contact and get over her
2. Take the slow approach and stay friends with her while trying to get over her
3. Continue orbiting around her while scouting for methods of re-entering her sexual radar

Numbers 2 & 3 will likely lead to years of abstinence and lifelong regret; I would recommend #1. Go do some push ups, drink 2 cups of coffee, and then make a list of things you want to accomplish in the near future. Then go out and meet someone new.


Was it meant to be?


6 Responses to “Breaking up with your best friend”

  • John

    ‘If contact with this girl is causing you to relapse, then get the fuck away from her’

    This single line is the best advice for anyone with a oneitis, especially when its someone you’re extremely attached to like a best friend.
    It’s so sad but so true and I can say from personal experience that if you don’t get the fuck out of the hell hole of oneitis it will destroy you.

    • j

      I am so Fucken stuck in oneitis ! I let this girl pull me back in after i was almost away , as soon as she found out I was dating she was right there feeding whatever i needed to be fed to pull me back in , I backed off , i shielded my heart , but where the fuck am i now , heartache !

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for the article.

    I have a question that I hope isn’t like the ones you aren’t going to answer anymore: in high school, is it a good idea to pursue a good and interested girl whose only problem is that her parents don’t let her out of the house much at all (the only time contact is possible is over the internet or at school a few times)? Or is it best to just not show any interest back and let her move on, despite her being a definite candidate for a girlfriend?

  • Ali

    Hey Shark, this is the one hurdle I wish to overcome. Group Approach. Approaching a girl when she is by herself is easy for me but when it comes to girls in groups (all girl or mixed groups) I have a hard time approaching. Its easier to just approach a girl wiht some random bullshit and work that but when its a group I don’t think random bullshit will work. There has to be some genius behind whatever you’re gonna say to the group. So Shark, I think its time for an article on group approaching. How to handle a group approach? What type of things would you say? Additionally, separating the girl from the group could also be written on but thats not as hard as actually getting into the group.

    Thanks Shark

  • anonymous

    On and off again for almost a year. The guy was older and had children. I don’t. There is 10+ year age gap and he has a child but I always felt he wasn’t over her. Although he always said he was but I could just tell. I went off a few times because I never had trust. I cared a lot about him and his kids. Especially one of them. Now we hardly talk and I know he is back seeing his ex and some other girl. How is it so easy for guys? How is it so easy when they get a new girlfriend after they have had children and for me to want to be there to help him and his kids and maybe one day be that step mom. I felt there was never no trust so I couldn’t give him what he wanted. When we were together though there was PLENTY of attraction for the both of us and both had a lot of fun.


    “Go do some push ups, drink 2 cups of coffee, and then make a list of things you want to accomplish in the near future. Then go out and meet someone new.”

    I’ve done a lot of research and I’m not finding an easy way to get over someone which is mostly what I’m interested in. I’ve been desexualized sometime ago and I’m just an emotional buffer. Problem is, I really shouldn’t spend time/money/effort on this situation. I’ve taken extreme measures such as changing my number, only to come back and realize her grasp on me is stronger than that. Coming from an individual with strong will, I have trouble resisting. At this point, I’m considering even more extreme measures such as joining the military, or other distancing tactics. I would really appreciate some good and detailed advice.

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