Long Distance

On March 24, 2012 by Shark

The topic has been touched on in previous posts but seeing as how problems related to LDRs always seem to surface, a more thorough take on the topic seemed appropriate. An LDR for our purposes refers to any monogamous relationship where you and your girl are separated by an encumbering distance or any set of circumstances that keeps the both of you apart. This means it can be a relationship that was long-distance from the start, or a relationship that eventually progressed into an LDR due to choices that were made later on (perhaps you split for graduate school, work, or travel). Even if you’re currently not in a long distance relationship, I suggest you read this post as it’s likely you’ll come across a similar situation in the future and an understanding of its complexities (that are rather simple) will inevitably come to be useful.

While the differences in LDRs are obvious, their implications are often not. When you and your girlfriend are separated, most of the things you can do to preserve competitive anxiety and interest are moot. When you see her infrequently, it is seen as a result of being separated by distance, NOT as a result of you being busy or having other things to do. It does nothing for attraction if you have so much work that you would need to cancel on a date, because the opportunity to cancel or to be less available will never present itself. You cannot increase attraction as easily per say because she will never wonder “I haven’t seen him in a week?! What’s he up to?” She will attribute your absence to more practical reasons.

Now you may argue that you still COULD cancel on shit and be unavailable, by shaving off some opportunities to see her even when they are there, but then your game begins to skate on thin ice. Remember you CANNOT break too much rapport, or she will leave you anyways, blaming your lack of affection on the distance and seeing an exit out of the relationship as her best option. Women may not be the most logical of people, but their emotions are not one-dimensional. She may miss you more and more but at one point, her imperative to gain a certain amount of affection and approval WILL kick in, and she will either opt to date a more loving and available man or dump you out of sheer resentment.

Building competitive anxiety has the same problem. She will never “see” you talking to another girl or observe your suave-as-a-god Game in action; or at least she won’t see either too often. And if you HINT towards your ability to stray, you run the same risk isolated above.

The dilemma seems impossible to solve, but where there is game, there is always a way. You will recall from basic psychology that first impressions are EXTREMELY important on people. They establish the overruling filters that will be used to perceive all of your behavior in the future. They are VERY difficult to break, and one of the primary reasons why once you get LJBFed by a girl, it’s unlikely you’ll be getting out. And on the other hand, once you are perceived to be Alpha, a Halo effect takes place and all your rather dubious behavior somehow gets rationalized under a nonsensical light.

This idea, combined with women’s propensity to IMAGINE and constantly wonder “what’s my boyfriend doing?” or “what’s my husband thinking?” can be used to solve the problems inherent in every long distance relationship. Say you date her for 2 weeks and then she goes on a 2-month hiatus. Or say you’re only going to see her for a week and then be gone for a month. For that span of time, run game AS TIGHTLY as possible; while maintaining rapport. Unlike regular relationships where you can BREAK RAPPORT to build attraction, you must concentrate on building both simultaneously. So rather than making a blatantly exaggerated move on another girl w/ plausible deniability, you’ll want to perhaps just flirt with some or another to subtly indicate your abilities to be charismatic. Instead of negging your girlfriend hard or freezing her out, you’ll want to just tease her to innocently hint towards your higher status and playful/positive attitude.

Ultimately, the distance between you two can be morphed into an advantage. You only need to game tight for a short period of time, meaning you probably won’t regress into beta mode accidentally by being caught off guard. By only slightly flirting or teasing, you SUGGEST possibilities to her, and her imagination does the rest. You have LESS WORK cut out for you. Once you’re back at home, you don’t need to worry about constantly escalating secksual tension; you can focus instead on things you WANT to focus on like the gym or work. You pull smoothly and keep up a James Bond aura for 2 days, and she assumes for the rest of the month that your natural state is exactly that. She doesn’t see you back at home jerking off to fetish porn crying from secksual frustration.

Likewise, save vulnerability game for phone conversations. In a close relationship you can run vulnerability game face to face and quickly contrast it with a cocky/funny attitude or amusement; but in LDRs you run the same risk of leaving insecurity as your final impression. And better yet, the rush of rapport and special affection that comes with vulnerability game will give her something to sleep on during your time apart. So run it during one of those emotional phone conversations. And while you’re doing it, don’t be seen over a web cam. Let her wonder what you must look like “vulnerable” since she’s never seen it.

It is important then, that you also realize broken man game DOES NOT work, nor does trying to push/pull too hard. These are tactics for close relationships where you can push/pull to keep a girl floating between unconditional/conditional love. BUT if you use this in an LDR, you run the risk of keeping your push attitude AS THE LASTING impression on her. That’s not what you want. Your mercy and love must be equal to your wrath and apathy; she must be afraid to lose you, but not so much so that she doubts there’s any chance of keeping you.

So how do you handle shit tests and fights that occur when you see her? You’re not seeing her for a long time, so you can’t both be stubborn. But in this area, you MUST trust that you have enough attraction for her to come back to you. If she DOES NOT and still acts stubborn, the relationship must be dropped. You CANNOT give in thinking, “fuck this is my only chance at pussy, I need to apologize and take it.” That’s how secksually lacking relationships being their spiral, and it’s not the precedent you want between the two of you. Remember she can play the pussy card WAY TOO fucking easily in an LDR, which means you need to be all the more patient and dominant. Do not beg or supplicate for it. If you don’t like that you’re not getting any, go fuck another girl.

Seriously, go fuck another girl. LDRs are like any other relationship; you cannot be dependent on them. If you are unhappy with one, leave it. With an abundance mentality comes the realization that there is never a good enough reason, nor is it even plausible, for a man to entertain an LDR. The idea is perverse — attention without secks. A violation of what men are supposed to get out of a relationship. It’s exactly how Oneiteses start. She’s all you could get, so you latch onto her, and assume a long-distance relationship is your best option and she’s the best thing that ever happened in your life. It’s a difficult thing to admit, but most relationships are glued together by desperation rather than love. Which begs the question itself — is love not just a desperate need to possess?

The shortcoming on the men’s side of the dynamic, the fact that secks is much less present in long distance relationships, brings up another obvious flaw. You inevitably sub-communicate to a girl LESS value if you are willing to stay in a long-distance relationship. It sounds harsh, but it’s true for EVERY SINGLE long distance relationship. And the only way around it is the same one as above. Be Alpha. If you come from a position of above, your girlfriend thinks, “Oh, wow, I can’t believe I can get a guy like that to be willing to stay in a long distance relationship.” If you come from a position below, she thinks “mwahaha, what a fuckin loser, I’m probably all he can get.” She will neither consciously think of this or even be slightly aware of it; but that’s exactly what her hamster is thinking. She will reactively assume what she has been conditioned to think, that long-distance relationships are a sort of norm for young-age couples and that the obstacles present (like lack of secks) are good screens for “nice guys.”

The traps in long-distance relationships are amplified versions of the ones in regular relationships. Without a strong first impression, competitive anxiety will always be favored in her direction because you know she’ll be getting hit on no matter where she goes. If you give in to jealousy and beta backslide, expect a crushingly remorseful LJBF soon enough. From the girl’s perspective, an LDR is a “test” for her relationship. She wants you to be that egotistical cold/loving asshole, but it’s so easy for you to become that resentful beta that she immediately mirrors any loss of attraction as “I knew we couldn’t do it,” or “this was a bad idea.”

The two BIGGEST mistakes in LDRs are beta-backsliding because you can’t handle lack of secks / the anxiety that comes from distance (is she talking to other guys? WTF IS SHE DOING?! I’m gonna apologize, I need some fuckin poon) and your social conditioning. Remember that the cultural apparatus around you, with its emasculating dogma, has taught you to idolize a misplaced sense of loyalty. So you go and see your girlfriend for the first time after 3 months and what do you do? You make it a POINT to show her “look at me, I never talk to other girls or think about them, and you are the # 1 priority in my life. I would be willing to relocate for you.” They think their loyalties will be reciprocated with an equal amount of love, but instead, they establish the IMPRESSION of unconditional love which gets perpetuated by her imagination the entire 2 months that you’re gone and at the end of it, your left with an LJBF scribbled on a post-it and a sad story about how she made a “mistake” with another guy.

But fuck, we already know none of that glittery bullshit is true, and how it always ends up, right? That’s why we’re all here.


9 Responses to “Long Distance”

  • Necorochi

    Ha you said but fuck, EVERYONE SHARK LIKES ANAL!!!!

  • M

    This post, amongst a plethora of others, perhaps due to some Jungian synchronicity, is eerily published with a topic and timing that makes me wonder just how effective this blog is in tweaking my mind, and causing a serious shift in my own mental matrix. Thank you for replying to an earlier comment I made about breaking up with my girlfriend or not and shit tests. As it turns out, it wasn’t my choice, it was hers, I literally did everything Alpha in my power, just basically being myself, and shit the power one has with women when applied appropriately is inexplicable, anywhere I go now it’s like I’m part of a secret society….and things improved to a ridiculously awesome point, until I guess I fucked shit up somehow; I mean she literally broke up with me and within days picked a date and flew out to see me….and we were together until last night in a long distance relationship, the gap which would’ve closed no shorter than 2 months from now, hence me commenting on this post, and no I wasn’t foolish enough to begin one without meeting her beforehand (I have always naturally had abundance mentality, and naturally have always had more hamsters spinning a wheel than any of my friends – but I also always have been the one to fall hard into love, and until now it was always a clear and easy thing, but I’m only 23 so I suppose I’m being premature with my newfound cynicism and existential crisis), we were officially together for 3 months or so before we decided to embark on the shitstorm that is LDR, both going back to school, and throughout it all she’s flown out to see me on her own accord, spending money and shit, and I to see her flying or driving depending on what I felt like – driving is more fun-, and we would meet on breaks back at our hometown so would see each other regularly enough to balance school and our insane sexual compatibility and have known each other for 7 fucking years (always a sexual relationship initiated by me, until I finally decided to try more than seeing her as the girl I can fuck but really like and turning her into the girl that I’m in love with), anyway, this post about LDR couldn’t be at a more ironic time in my life, as I wake up and go to your blog for advice, she broke up with me las night.

    I’ve been broken up with. I’ve never been broken up with before. I surely don’t give off the aura of one who deserves to be in an exclusive relationship, but the reasons for that, which I already have begun to change, seem to be why she left me (making changes). I am trying to make positive changes in my life, like moving back home to take some time off school to get my health back, to quit drinking (I have a serious drinking problem, and I’m tired of it, finally; in part, I want to thank you for that too, I never seriously wanted to be healthy until a stranger wrote shit on the internet), to get a job, to find a way to move forward, etc…So when I would need support from my supposed love interest the most, she fucking leaves me. All I want to do right now is make a .gif out of a clip from a video (one of many that we’ve made) of me face fucking her and post it onto every fucking website I can find. But, I have a sick feeling that even doing that would somehow make her happy. Plus I could get sued. That would just add to the list of things I have to deal with right now. And the moment after I think those types of thoughts, I think, but I love her, so I want her to be happy and to do well, and if this is right for her, then so be it, I have to move on. But then I immediately feel like I want her to feel bad. For what she apparently ‘did to me’, which is really nothing, but decide that I’m not right for her. So that’s bullshit. These feelings. I’ve never felt this before. With any other girl. Minus one, whom I left due to certain reasons after 3 years, and could at least justify my leaving, or the break up. This one doesn’t make much sense. This was out of nowhere. Her mom is visiting her. I’m sure that has something to do with it.

    And over the phone. Why the fuck couldn’t she wait until we were in person to do this? I’ve put in so much fucking effort to keep this relationship going, and have lost so much I can’t even explain. She flew out to visit me not 2 weeks ago or so, was clearly heavily in love, and this is after she chose to get back together with me after she had in an emotional flux broken up with me and I just said ok. I knew it wasn’t real that time. But this time, I know she is serious. I think she wants to make me suffer. But I also know she loves me[?]. I’m so conflicted right now.

    I don’t know what to say. Except apparently al of this, fuck.

    I literally have nowhere to go but here, commenting on a fucking blog, right now. My life is falling apart in more ways than just the relationship. I’m posting shit on the internet. Pathetic. I cried last night. Pathetic. I am likely going to cry today. I am aware of the ability that I have, and have always had, to get girls, to succeed, etc…. I don’t really care about that, it’s so fucking easy if one puts in the slightest amount of effort, meaning improving oneself. But, I do care about losing something that I seriously have put more effort into than anything else in my life up until this point. I have learned so much about relationships and people in general over the past 9 months, and about myself, than any other time in my life. But all that social learning has landed me here, with an empty apartment I’m soon to leave, a worsening drinking problem, a failed 2 quarters of school, and many odd, eye opening sexual [mis]adventures, all women are at a base (slooty) level the same it seems, except mormons maybe…. I assume she met someone else, or finally decided someone else was the “right” one. I assume that because of the 6 girls I’ve been with the year before this girl (or a few during ‘breaks’ we’ve had before this – which seemed unreal compared to this one) and I were ‘exclusive’, three of them had a relationship or were in the process of ending one -one girl literally had a break with her boyfriend to sleep with me – and probably other dudes – for a week, another cheated no farther than a foot away form the guy, after which I shook his hand and told him politely that he would’ve done the same thing, and to take it as a compliment that he had such an attractive girlfriend. That sickens me. Both me being part of this reality, and the realization that 99 percent of the world is either like this, or easily tainted or corrupted. It takes me no longer than 2 hours to get a girl to cheat on her boyfriend. It’s easier if he’s there for the majority of the time. wtf is all i’ve been thinking lately. even education is seemingly worthless if you’re not studying science or law. and i’m not. so why am i even in school?

    The post by the 28 year old sounds exactly like where I will end up if shit continues this way. Except instead of a bowling alley it will be a coffee shop, or some shitty store like target.

    I am aware of my potential, and know that I’m talented in many areas. But when I get into a relationship I neglect the furthering of said abilities and focus on maintaining the relationship, like dealing with the ‘shit tests’ or regaining dominance. I guess it’s not even dominance, it’s just a hyper-awareness of what’s happening. The subtleties are a mindfuck, like body language, words used, timing of said words, tone of voice, mood shifts (learning which are real and which are played), etc….everything. Or really just enjoying the fact that someone is apparently in love with me. I guess I need to quit falling in love. It has destroyed many opportunities. But I still would do it all again. And I don’t fucking understand why.When you hit bottom, which this would be my 4th or 20th or 100th bottom, literally Shark you don’t know what shit I’ve been through, but that sounds pretentious, so I’ll just say hitting bottom coupled with a break up, is the angriest, saddest, and most hilarious situation I’ve found myself in, to date.

    So here it’s recorded. My first time being ‘dumped’. Question for you is, how do you deal with being broken up in an LDR? It doesn’t feel real, because it’s not like she’s been here physically. I can’t explain the feeling, but it just doesn’t feel like it actually happened. It feels worse. Whereas a normal break up I would physically remove myself from a situation. Now I’m literally physically moving myself where she will be in a few months, and will likely see her. And I know for a fact that there will be nothing that will stop us from being physically secksually active if we run into each other. She’s admitted so herself. And ‘I may be arrogant enough to say that that’s true, but it is. So what do I do? Is it really just as simple as, move on? Thankyou for saving me the time and money on a therapy session. I wonder where I began to go wrong with all of this.

    Delete this comment if it’s too ridiculous. I just needed to get this out. And this felt like an unusually safe place to do so.

  • M

    I wish this article was written previously. That’s probably all I should have said.

    Writing your thoughts down makes them clearer in your head. You are free to do so whenever you desire, and to write as much as you want. That’s what this site is for.

  • jaquan

    simple Man..you must end all contact with her right now. Focus on yourself your job +go to the gym + fuck other girls. There no point of thinking that you might have sex with her when you see her.. It is a way for her to keep you as Beta on the side so she can use you whenever she feels like it. Be an Alpha ..have an Alpha mentality…Move on with your life you have plenty of girl waitin on you. When you see her again make sure you ready mentally so you do not Beta backslide otherwise you will end up more miserable than ever. I suggest you that the next time you see her don’t pay her attention or act desperate you must shpw her that you moved on with ur life and u fuckin better girls than her. Then she will desperate for your attenton and come back to her then you can fuck it anytime you want but go out with her agian its a waste of time. Like shark says always better to look for new relation than trying to improve old ones. BE an Alphan bro can make it happen believe in urself . Its now or never

    • M

      Thanks man. I understand what you’re saying. It will be hard considering my circumstances that I cannot go into too much detail about. I’m not worried about other girls. That’s never been a problem, I now have realized – I’ve been fine with women my whole life, even if I thought otherwise there were plenty. This is literally the first girl I’ve had issues with in this way (where I want her to be with me over anything else, and it’s fucking lust in it’s purest form I think), and these issues involve only myself. The first one that’s made me so emotionally invested in something that it has altered my ability to be well. That’s why I am affected, I hate her ability to have let me feel this way and just give up, right before other things would improve. It’s like she waited for the most opportunistic moment to make me hurt more. I don’t mean to sound like a pansy, but fucking everything’s timing is unbelievable in my life right now.

      I appreciate your advice. I know it is right. I’ve simply never been in this place before so strongly, other times it’s been acceptable, but now it’s just unreal. It’s only been one day. But all I want to do is sleep, and understand why. And that’s shit enough. Because I can’t sleep, nor understand. So I’m going to go play pool. Does anyone on this site have any fucking success stories? Or other sites like this? They all seem to be fucking pretending to be alpha people who read a few tips and magically get laid, but don’t find happiness. There has to be something wrong with the PUA community. It all seems to lead to disaster, otherwise all of the “AFC’”s posting comments like this wouldn’t be posting comments like this. So I’m a beta AFC who actually has emotions, what the fuck is wrong with that? Isn’t it normal to feel bad after someone you apparently loved dumped you? Fuck this, I’m getting drunk and talking to girls. God help me. Goodnight.

  • James

    “look at me, I never talk to other girls or think about them, and you are the # 1 priority in my life. I would be willing to relocate for you.” hahahahahahAHAHAHAHAAHAH

  • Chris H

    Shark I would like to say thanks because every time I read you blog I learn new words like moot, to anyone that dose not know the word moot Ill illuminate your mind! Moot: Subject to debate, dispute, or uncertainty, and typically not admitting of a final decision. A word that I didn’t know witch is not a bad thing because I expand my vocabulary while getting a better understanding of your article. It feels like I am taking an educational course that I enjoy. That being said keep up the big words!

  • George St Pierre

    Im kinda confused about the part about vulerability game I know wrestling game, might be a stupid question but were we post to use vulnerability game in an emotional conversation about one or two times & most important do we run it when she is here or when she already left? I like maple syrup.

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