No Contact

On March 10, 2012 by Shark

Hey Shark, how should I text my ex girlfriend after some time of No Contact? I am not sure if she is still affected by the breakup. Is it a terrible choice? What should I say? Especially when she is texting to other guy.

 

Quick Answer: Don’t text her. She’s probably already over you. You only want to text her now out of fear that she might be talking to someone else. If an ex never tries to contact you after you go no-contact with her, the relationship wasn’t going to work anyways.

 

So I’ve realized some of you have been having trouble with the concept of no contact and what it entails. It’s not exactly an intricate technique; but I can understand how its premise and execution can be misinterpreted.

No-contact is a complete freeze-out that can span a few hours (ignoring a morning text from your wife and responding in the evening to get your hubbie’s blood flowing) to a few weeks or forever (ignoring an ex-girlfriend to reignite interest or to forget her entirely).

Its purpose is to increase attraction, in two ways. We want what we cannot have, and we dread what we do not understand or know. It quickly exhilarates a girl’s imagination by making her sift through a range of possibilities, no matter how unlikely they are. “Is he talking to someone else right now?” “What’s he doing?” “Is he somewhere he’s trying to hide from me?” You don’t need to proactively create mystery; you can lay back and let a girl’s imagination do all the work as long as you can master the art of not saying too much or too little. A girl’s imagination is a weapon in seduction. You withhold too much contact in the first few weeks because you want her to imagine you as much busier than your fat bitch ass really is. You sporadically go no contact because you want her to imagine you might be talking to another girl, even if the chances of you getting any more pussy is close to negative infinite.

When you INITIATE no contact, it MUST come off as unintentional. If she thinks, for any reason, that you are SULKING, you might as well take a torch to your whole plan. The reason for your abrupt freeze-out needs to be ambiguous. So you might be wondering, “how does that punish her then? If she doesn’t connect the period of no-contact with her actions, then why would she change?” The connection does NOT need to be made on a CONSCIENCE logical level. It needs to be made on a SUBCONSCIOUS level, and that happens through its consistent application. For instance, if you withdraw attention after every time she whines or crosses the lines of conventional promiscuity; she associates YOUR ABSENCE with HER BEHAVIOR; even if you have another reason for your ignorance of her. As long as the two things coincide, she will begin to associate less attention with whatever she’s doing. If you make it a point to explain it to her, “I’m not talking to you for a week because you did yada yada yada” or make it blatantly obvious that you are ignoring her for some shit she did, she can easily exploit your intentions and filter them through a beta-backsliding perspective. “Stop being such a baby… I didn’t do anything wrong.” DO NOT give into the temptation of EXPLAINING it to her, that’s how the “you’re crazy” argument starts. “You’re crazy… I was just giving him some Vaseline from my lips because his were chapped” or “You’re crazy, I threw that knife at you and it missed by an inch because I meant for that to happen and aimed it perfectly.”

 

So, once you’ve initiated no-contact comes the whole freeze out phase. The tough part is going to be holding out on secks, and subduing your OWN imagination. If you’re not in a relationship, you can use this time to spin more plates. If you ARE in a relationship, you’re going to have to rely on your hands or get a custom made flesh light with pressure points.

Cut off all those thoughts about “what if this was a mistake and she’s found someone else?” Women are hypergamous, if she WAS interested in you, then this will increase her interest level further, making her LESS likely to find someone else than when you WERE with her. It’s a counter-intuitive idea, so read that over and commit it to memory. If you’re going no-contact with an ex, and she ends up getting over you, it means you had no chance in the first place. There is no loss that can come from going no-contact to fix attraction. It can ONLY backfire in a relationship lacking rapport, where the girl might end up seeking comfort elsewhere rather than continuing to desire it from you.

Hypothetically if she has secks with someone else because you went no-contact, but her interest DID increase for you, it still means she has to go. What does it tell you about her? Would it be smart to get into an LTR anyways? Remember it is always energy better spent pursuing a new relationship than trying to fix a damaged one.

When you RE-ENGAGE after the freeze out, it must occur naturally. Again, you need to avoid coming off as a sulking beta. Generally that means you should either wait for HER to contact you, and then slowly build up the tension rather than suddenly going all in (“HEYY! HAVEN’T TALKED TO YOU IN A WHILE!!! YIPEKIYAY!”); or you could “accidently” re-engage her through an “unintentional” meet-up, a non- sequitur text, or something diabolical of that sort.

WHEN you re-engage her, there’s a chance she might confront you about going no-contact. Play it off like the evil genius you are. It’s important here NOT to give in to the temptation of pointing out that you were ignoring her because of some precise reason. Don’t even hint indirectly towards it by saying “I had to think over some things” or “I had re-evaluate us.” None of that shit. If you really HAVE to make it obvious, then opt for a lame excuse. “My dog was sick, I was down for a couple of days.” Women are much better at making inferences and reading between the lines than you think, you can trust her intuition to get the point.

No-contact should be regularly applied in controlled doses to build a relationship. It should NOT be uncontrollably dabbed all over the place or used for extended periods of time for no reason. You want to build a GOOD relationship, not test the boundaries of a bad one.

 

Avoid all of the following mistakes. They are the most common in no-contact phases and not only undo everything you’ve gained, but set you back further than you were

(a) Contacting her too early or contacting her first and in an obvious attempt to reprimand her for something else.

(b) Overtly communicating your intention of going no contact

(c) Questioning your resolution and changing your mind about going no contact after worrying about her talking to someone else in-between

 

And finally, to quickly summarize going no-contact with an ex girlfriend as it’s the most common use of the tactic: She dumps you, you react aloofly and with disinterest ==> Go no contact ==> Wait 4-6 weeks. Ignore all of her texts before that. ==> The whole time be building competitive anxiety and working on yourself ==> At the height of her misery, either send her a flaccidly interested text or use one of the above methods. Nothing like “Hi! How are you?” Think more on the lines of, “lol just read ______. Reminded me of you”

The book should be anchored to a positive memory, the “reminded me of you” will catalyze the nostalgia

 

Savy?

 

 

 

30 Responses to “No Contact”

  • mint

    hey shark,

    how can i contact you through email? I am not comfortable sharing my story on here but it’s not that i don’t want to help the readers. Please let me know. Thank you.

  • Bob

    I did no contact for about 6 weeks with my ex. I re initiated contact through texts and she seems interested with quick responses to most texts but I don’t know where to go with it. I’ve hinted that I wanted to get together a few times but I can’t get it to go anywhere without seeming desperate. What are good ways to reignite her desire after going no-contact for a few weeks? Is it just a waiting game at this point after contact is initiated to see if she still wants me?

  • CKing

    Hey Shark, two questions for ya:

    What do you think about legally changing your last name due to it being kinda weird (Not in the good way where it’s exotic or anything, just weird and awkward sounding) ? I know some people would say to keep it, and be proud of your name no matter what, but why artificially handicap myself? Any thoughts?

    Also, what do you think about being naturally pale (Really pale)? I don’t live in an area where it’s possible to maintain a natural tan, and I don’t have any idea about those self tanners or tanning beds. Is being really pale going to be a big negative against me with women? Doesn’t help that about 99% of the other guys I see are much darker than I am.

    Thanks

  • 360

    Shark, thank you for this site and your book, ihave learned so much from both. I was wondering if you could please elaborate on being funny? I know you have covered humor before but I was wondering if u could give video examples or something, its something I always struggle with. Thanks in advance

  • kenny

    Shark I’m kinda pissed I’m falling for this girl….. Should I just cut it off now to avoid oneities?? Or should I just take a shot?? How do you draw the line, should I fuck her first?? Still havn’t even had sex with her yet, that’s why it’s bothering me. Can you make an arguments for and against being in a relationship. I would love to see someone as smart as you debate himself.

  • Necorochi

    Seems to good to be true

    http://www.bristollair.com/2008/outer-game/pua-routines/shock-and-awe-the-apocalypse-opener/

    Tell me this guy is full of shit shark.

  • Justin

    Just what I needed.

  • Hussein

    One thing i want to share with you Shark.I have been following your challenge and i cant tell you how much this no Fap thing helps.All of my lifts in gym have gone up,i am way more productive and somehow i feel very aggressive..And after 15 days i thought i would be horny as hell but strangely i feel much more calm and comfortable in front of chicks now..

  • Bob

    By the way, thanks for answering my comments Shark!
    Coincidentally soon after reading your answer I found this hilarious article about harnessing my seksual energies in more productive ways.
    In return for your help I will share it with you: http://lucsoc.x10.mx/index.php?topic=389.0

  • Braves01

    Shark I never really comment directly to a post but posts previously like this, literally changed my life. I got dumped and read your blogs about going no contact. Went exactly 21 days and then she contacted me and its been surreal ever since, especially because the girl comes back on your terms.

    The thing about it is its easy in the sense that you dont have to do anything. No emails, no facebook, no calls, no texts – nothing. Yea it hurts and it sucks a lot but sometimes you really gotta grab your balls and man up and just do it. And after the 14th day or so I started going out, having a great time (with your win-win mentality in mind that if I get over her I win and if she comes back I win) and that scenario literally happened. I literally was over it and continued the no contact and then when she came back it was in a different way.

    No real point to this comment but I thought you and the other readers may really enjoy hearing that although your methods are difficult to execute, and not commonly practice by 90% of guys out there – if you listen, and truly truly blindly trust this site and just follow through – the rewards are indescribably priceless. Thanks as always Shark.

  • Sidather

    How do I handle the insecurity my GF offers when I go no contact. It works like a charm, but often if I don’t text her for a day or two I’ll get a text saying, “Are you mad at me?” or “Have I done something?”. How do I respond to this the right way? This never follows a fight or instance where she has displeased me, so I’m not sure where it’s coming from. I’m guessing she just takes the no contact as a sign she has displeased me.

    My responses are generally something like, “Just busy, see you tonight,” or “No, just busy.” Both of which are somewhat true.

  • Drive

    Hey I have some stuff at my ex-girlfriends place. She broke up with me last week. I have some stuff there that I could realistically live without (clothing, etc), but also some concert tickets we planned to go together. Theyre my tickets, but I gave her one as a gift. Dont know what to do about the ticket. They arent seats next to each other. I already got some stuff back the day after the break up. I wanna go no-contact but I also feel like I gotta get the stuff back (not cuz i really want it, but because I wanna show her that Im moving on). I think she’s afraid of me taking it because she doesn’t want to believe the break up. I definitely wanna be with her again. Any ideas about this?

    • Justin

      I was going through the same thing, about a month ago.

      I had some clothes left at my girlfriends house and she owed me some money (she broke up with me). In the first couple of weeks,when I had asked for my clothes back,she was cold, told me she’d get me my clothes when she had time to get around to it, and that I should stop nagging her.

      I decided to go no contact, and sent her a text that I know shes busy, so just give me my things when she can.

      I went no contact for about 1 month, and then asked about my things, and if I could get my things back, finally. She messaged me back a couple days later, told me she thought about me everyday, wondered what I was doing, or even if I was thinking about her. She told me she didn’t really want to give me my stuff back because she was afraid that it was the last time we’d ever have a reason to talk/see each other. She agreed to return my stuff when I was at work the next day, but wanted to sit and chat on my break.

      Hope this gives you some kind of idea of what you can do. NO CONTACT!

  • Justin

    Shark, this has been killing me, thinking of ways to work around it. Here you said,

    “WHEN you re-engage her, there’s a chance she might confront you about going no-contact. Play it off like the evil genius you are.”

    I understand the point of NOT making it obvious that you were trying to avoid her. But do you have any examples? my evil genius senses aren’t working and I can’t think of a way/excuse/reason to say.

    Thanks.

  • James

    shark why would u say something like

    “Don’t even hint indirectly towards it by saying “I had to think over some things” or “I had re-evaluate us.” None of that shit. If you really HAVE to make it obvious, then opt for a lame excuse. “My dog was sick, I was down for a couple of days.” Women are much better at making inferences and reading between the lines than you think, you can trust her intuition to get the point.”

    its interesting i want to know, it point out to fem mentality, WHY WATS GONNA happen if i say this, doesnt she deserve to hear something like “bitch, its all ur fault” or r u saying if i say this then im reenforcing negative attitude ? maybe reducing mystery ? idk but in almost all of ur [posts u always said NOT TO MAKE THINGS CLEAR, i want to know why ? how does it effect their mentality ?

  • C

    Shark,

    I was wondering if you could help me evaluate this situation I am in. I was with a girl who I believed was the one. When she met me I was the alpha male in her eyes. I had all the confidence in the world. Unfortunately, like most relationships the guy beta backslides. Not proud of it, but it happened. She out of the blue dumps me. I was sad, I did what you weren’t supposed to do, begged for her back… One time and one time only. I completely cut contact (well as much as I can do as I work with her.) I work on myself, I excercise, I basically have done everything mentioned here: http://www.solvemygirlproblems.com/2010/05/how-to-become-an-alpha-male-some-quick-steps-to-jump-start-your-journey/

    I am back to that alpha male. I feel great. The only problem for me is I work in a remote location for long periods of time with my ex and can’t manage to meet other women. I know I meet one girl and she is out of my brain for good. But for now, it is very hard to keep her off my mind.

    I see her at work and she seems completely miserable. I know she sees the transformation in me back to the guy she met. But she continues to be pissed right off at me. She won’t talk to me (unless she throws a shit test my way about how “great” her new found life is), stares right through me and pathetically “runs” away when I get close to her. It is a sad pathetic case. I feel we should at least keep it professional but she won’t have it. If she hadn’t dumped me I would almost feel bad for her.

    She left me for a better life and she really doesn’t seem all that happy afterwards. I am doing my best to get over her and move on. My question to you is what is going on in her brain right now? Is she attracted to me but won’t let herself realize it; or does she hate my guts? Where does the bitterness and hostility come from? Who is more over who at this point? Finally, where does her brain take her from here?

    I remember one of your posts about women mating for life once they find the most alpha male… I feel as though I WAS her alpha male and she may never recover from this. I guess I get a small sense of satisfaction out of that… Make that a large sense. Any help at all please. I am just trying to understand how their hamster operates. Any help at all for the guy stuck in a remote location with an ex?

  • invalid_username

    Along with my heroes Bob Dylan and T.S Elliot, Shark, you have changed my life. I’m beginning to see things in a different way, after years in the matrix I now understand social dynamics, the female mind and how to get the most of life and finially achieve my goals. Thank you so much, you are a God among men.

  • i broke up with my ex girlfriend few days ago..
    and now i do the NO CONTACT.. and she keep on calling me few times.. she keep sending me a msg..
    saying that she missed me.. but she didn’t mention that she want to be togather again..
    so i just ignore it..
    OK.. the problem is.. some of her stuff, example: like clothes, laptop, shoes..
    is still in my house.. what should i do?
    any pro advise? help!!!

  • Link

    Im going on 70 plus days of NC.. In all that time she called me at work 1 time a month into no contact? At this point dont know if I should contact her? Should I???? Keep in mind her last words to me where ” I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE, WE SHOULD TALK FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS”. At this point I dont know if I should??? Need hlep???

  • Matt

    Hello!
    Is it wrong to reply to her texts (when she initiates) during No Contact?

  • jim

    My ex just vanished- changed phone numbers , deleted facebook, blocked all emails- I really have no clue as to why she did this- and we were talking really good the week befor

  • jim

    so can I just expect to never hear from her again ? It has been since July

  • pin

    My no contact has been for four years now. She dissent want to talk with me. I want her back. Please help.

  • shaun

    Hey guys I went no contact today and idk if I went about it the right way.. first off she was talking to this other guy in afgan that she long distance dated 5 years ago for maybe 6 months to a year. they haven’t talked at all in 2 years but now she says she loves him and wants to go on a trip with him in 6 months when he comes home… I saw all of this on her Facebook BTW.. but I asked her.about it and she said yea I do and am gonna go with him and I won’t stop talking to him.. but at the same time she says she loves me and wants to make it work but needs a breack.. so I went over today and said lets just breck up and take some time to think.. well I had been crying I’m front of her for 2 days and now today I was ok no tears.. so she said why are u so cool with this now? u were crying yesterday.. do u have another girl? I couldn’t help but smile cuz I felt the start of my no contact had already started working but she jus got pissed and said I don’t believe u don’t have a girl just tell the truth cuz I smile when I lie but this time I wasn’t.. so now she texted me saying we are just better off apart.. and I said why (I know I broke no contact after 30 mins..) but she said Cause it’s better that way your fucking cocky attitude really showed it you were being a complete asshole so good luck to you in everything you do.. so my question is do I continue no contact? is what she doing normal? Thanks!

  • shaun

    BTW she said she doesn’t love him but really cares about him eventhough she messages him on th everyday saying she does

  • Me and my girl of 2 years just split up for the final time 2 weeks ago, we have been off and on our entire relationship, but no matter what, she always came crawling back, well not this time, I tried talking to her, taking romantic walks, and everything was fine (friend) wise, but her answer for everything was ‘I don’t know” .so naturally, I became suspicious, cuz this is the girl who is highly obsessive over me and has told me numerous times she worships the ground I walk on, weird I know, but anyways, after 2 weeks of trying, I finally figured out how to get into her Facebook, I saw some things and got angry ,I immediately text her calling her all kinds of names, her response was “really, my mom just died! “,I did not know this til after I sent them, so from that point forward, she completely blocked me out of her life, Facebook ,emails, everything, well I have been talking to a mutual friend of ours ,and tonight I was out drinking ,and the friend shows up by herself, she drinks a little bit and decides to tell me the truth ,she said while out Thursday night ,(5 days after her mom’s death ) she turned down a ride from the friend to take her home, bar was already closed, but she had a ride, come to find.out, she is introducing the mutual friend to a guy, she said “Hey I have someone I want u to meet “and that was that, well obviously, he took her back to her dead mothers apartment wand obviously he stayed w her, There is no way she would stay there alone after her mother just died there, she has been staying w her dad at another location,but this time, I knew for sure she was staying at the apartment ,anyways along comes Saturday (tonight) and the mutual friend says “Hey I feel like I need to tell u something “finally I got it out of her, she said that cyndi (my ex) bragged about sleeping w a guy and possibly moving in w him! This hit me extremely hard being how her mom just died, how could she possibly even think about doing what she did, especially at the same place her mom died? I don’t get it, this is the worst pain I ever had, wtf do I do? help please

  • Rommey

    Looks like Shark doesn’t reply back to any posts above looking for help. None have been answered by Shark. Shark dude, please help us. Thank you.

  • andy

    I read this interesting advice thanks Shark but i am very stubborn so i whet for the “HEYY! HAVEN’T TALKED TO YOU IN A WHILE!!! YIPEKIYAY!”… I didn’t say it like that but i said Dear Jessica, I loved you once, Still care for you and hope you a happy holiday with family.. I am moving to California to finish my degree, I enjoy my time with you and wish you well.. GoodBye..

    NOT EVEN 1 MINUTE I GOT 15 spam text from her saying… NOOOOOO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH…

  • Bicycle4

    HOLY SHIT.

    If you play it exactly like Shark suggests, no contact works!
    An important part would probably be having seks with other girls during the time period.
    Last night, my ex came running back to me and it was the best feeling seeing how that worked out.
    Just play your cards right and be chill.

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