First, I would like to say thanks for the Triumph posts. They were so helpful so I am turning to you again for advice. Ok, so the situation is that my gf has become very needy and I have become very missing since I am now focusing on increasing my value for myself. I have lost several pounds, focused on school, and hanging out with my guy friends. Accordingly, one of her friends left town yesterday and is to be gone for several months so my theory is the reason she has become so needy is because she does not have alot of friends with whom she keeps into steady contact with. This is because they like to get drunk and be really stupid and my girl wants no part of that. So, the situation last night was that I passed out over and her place after hanging out with one of my friends all day. She had gone out and was playing trivia or something so I just passed out. Fast forward to 2am and all of a sudden I am woken up by her returning drunk and wanting to talk. I stayed super chill and just told her that I am asleep and I don’t want to talk right now. She tells me that I don’t love her and tries to be the victim but I just pass out. No other word between us. In the middle of the night, we wake and end up cuddling, however, I woke up this morning to her hurriedly getting dressed, almost as if she were going to leave me there had I not woken up on my own. She tries being mildly argumentative in the car to class but I stay disengaged and super chill. My question is should I let her re-engage? My thoughts and feelings are, honestly, she could leave or stay, but this is so unimportant to me that I do not want to even let this argument/situation or whatever it could be called to have any meaning in my life. I do not think about it other than to want to see what her real problem may be. All day, I have just thought about doing what I need to do in my life and have not been letting this affect me. I guess I am not used to these disconnection because I have typically been so emotionally invested in my relationships that if something like this had happened, then the issue had to worked out then and there. Now, especially after the Triumph post, I am totally feeling this no contact in this situation or very limited contact. Anyways, any words of advice Shark?
Quick answer: This is the unfortunate reality of game. Once you’re in the pilot seat of a relationship and the power dynamic is disproportionally tilted in your favor; you will lose interest in your girl. If she plays her cards right and gets hand over you, she might be able to revive your attention. Otherwise, your liking for her will keep decaying and worst (or best?) case scenario, you end up liking someone else. A man possessed is like a woman scorned; nothing can deter him from his mission.
I brought out this comment because it brings up an interesting question regarding a relationship premise we never challenge. It’s always black and white; if a relationship is bad you dump it, if a relationship is good, you keep it. But where do you draw the line for dumping a GOOD relationship for pragmatic reasons? If you’re an investment banker or in med school and your hours are demanding; so much so that it becomes IMPOSSIBLE to maintain rapport or at least difficult enough that you don’t find it emotionally cost effective, what do you do then? If you’re making changes to your life, more focused in general, and it starts trading off with your interest in your relationship, should you pull the trigger or reprioritize? Relationships aren’t monochromatic, an imbalance WILL backfire, the question is, will it be worth it?
Who the fuck knows. But keep this shit in mind:
In the scenario where you choose to pursue work, or where your lack of motivation to reestablish your relationship was so great that your girlfriend dumped you first, be ready for break up anxiety. It’s only normal for us to crave the POWER to choose, and I’ve had many a man tell me “I don’t want her back, I just want her to chase me.” Let it go, the complex will erode the motivation you’ve spent so long nurturing. The sudden pangs of jealousy or dread are expected reflexes, especially if you don’t find another girl to quickly fall back on. I’ve seen too many guys double back on their work ethic because they “never knew what they had till they lost it.” Fuck that, you should work even HARDER. Mistakes in audacity are easily overcome with more audacity.
Social conditioning will always encourage the family bond (an ironic thing for a society with a divorce rate higher than 7 trillion percent); but it has gone so far that men tend to associate any girl with their future lives. You could be 19, years away from getting married, but still you’re picturing your girlfriend’s face on the backdrop of 3 kids and a big house. And so, you begin to think “maybe I SHOULD tradeoff some work for this relationship, I mean, family is important isn’t it?”
See the flaw in thinking? Because you are so strongly conditioned to thinking in terms of SOUL MATES and LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS and COMMITMENT, and simultaneously socialized to place family above everything; you end up placing your girlfriend above everything.
Don’t take this the wrong way, in the words of Don Corleone, “A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.”
But I end this with some final words of wisdom: If you lose your girlfriend in the process of achieving your dream, there’s always another girl around the corner. If you lose your dreams in the process of keeping your girlfriend, well…
And no. Do not say “She is my dream.”