Two readers commented on Oneitis, and a certain prevailing theme seems to require adressing:
I am so Fucken stuck in oneitis ! I let this girl pull me back in after i was almost away , as soon as she found out I was dating she was right there feeding whatever i needed to be fed to pull me back in , I backed off , i shielded my heart , but where the fuck am i now , heartache !
Shark — read your book front to back twice, read most of your articles and all the ones in the break up section, but thing is, I still can’t get over my Oneitis. its like she knows what im thinking and does the exact right things to suck me back in to it over and over again. i think i know what you’re going to say but still, enlighten me my sensi
How is it that women are so adept at keeping their boyfriends tethered to their Oneitses?
The answer lies in a woman’s intimate relationship with her hamster, the subconscious part of her mind that governs attraction and houses a reservoir of information regarding inter-gender dynamics and the art of romance. Through a combination of genetic programming and consistent regimens of study (men analyze sports and money when they get together, whereas women analyze men), by the time a girl hits her first relationship she is more synchronized with game then you will ever be; intuitively that is. While a seasoned Don Juan can far surpass women in the tactical manipulation of social dynamics due to an unmatchable analytical understanding of the subject; he will never rival the organic game all women are born with.
And thus when a girl catches herself amidst the turbulent end of a relationship, a series of unconscious protocols kicks in.
Talk to other guys
Show him it’s not affecting you
Lose any weight you gained
Make him jealous
etc, etc. In other words, all the shit I need to hammer into your heads through repeat over-exposure, she has already internalized into her core understanding of relationship science. This is why you’ll sometimes wonder “Is this even affecting her? If it is, she’s really good at acting like it’s not.” Unlike you, she doesn’t feel its counter-intuitive to act aloof, she knows what must be done to regain attraction. She has no internal resistance as she’s baiting you into a jealousy bear trap.
All this of course, comes with the obvious vulnerability of only functioning intuitively. Without the emotionally sterilized grasp of game men are capable of attaining, women become more averse to having the script flipped on them. So when you go no contact or set a margin of jealousy about your relationship, everything changes. Introduce a bit of chaos and watch how it makes her veneer of rock solid state control schism into a thousand and one pieces.
Among the various habits of her hamster is the impulse to seek confirmation for a decision. When a girl breaks up with you, she needs to know that her decision was right. That’s where no contact or jealousy comes in – it tells her that her perception of you during the break up might have been INCONGRUENT. “Oh shit, maybe he’s not a loser?” or “Wow, maybe I DO like him if I miss him so much.” And in a case where you get pulled back into a Oneitis after a few easy girl gimmicks, the opposite happens. Attraction declines again, she realizes she’s more secure than she thought, and that oh so familiar bubble of ennui and frustration starts its cycle of begging to be burst again, and again, and again… and again.
She’s looking for affirmation from a father figure just as she always has. And if she gets it too quickly, there’s nothing to strive for. Worse yet, if you lose your edge in dominance, you no longer maintain the position of her needing affirmation from you at all. As creatures absorbed in the practice of trading up the social ladder, she needs approval from someone above, not below.
So relax the fuck out. Take a vicodin, hit up another girl, punch the wall, and then vibe to some Dean Martin. If you see yourself getting pulled back into the same Oneitis over and over again, take a step back to evaluate the reasons why the relationship has so strongly mauled your soul. She’s not any better than the other girl you were considering, your mind is just more strongly attached to the girl you have already invested so much into. It wants to fix this relationship instead of pursuing a fresh one. But like any intelligent investor will tell you -
Turn-arounds never turn around.