Comments

On May 21, 2012 by Shark

GreenGranted:

Hey Shark, thanks for the earlier reply!

My immersion in the world of pick up and game is relatively short (less than 6 months), but the difference in my life is already huge. If I keep studying game the way I do now, the place I will be in a year or so will be one I could have only dreamed of. After finding your blog two weeks ago I feel I have made another huge leap.

I have another question. One of the premises on being alpha is that women should only be a compliment to your life (I understand from your blog and other sources). I don’t quite get how this relates to the fact that, bluntly said, women ARE the most important thing in our lives, because it’s our purpose to fuck and reproduce.

I interpreted it as being genuinely busy, working with passion towards a personal goal, and not letting your life revolve around girls (or worse: one girl). I’m 19 years old, physics student, and with a burning desire to KNOW things. My wish is to become a physics professor. I think I fit my own definition.

Still, I don’t quite get why it shouldn’t be one’s purpose to fuck women. I believe many a rich businessman or sportsman is driven by the fact his accomplishments will make women more abundantly available to him. So, concluding, is “women as a compliment to life” not just a facade? A facade behind which we men passionately work on personal goals in life?

I have told you some personal information, and it is to make another question less abstract. Which is: to which extent should you ‘focus’ on long term goals? I believe that thinking solely of a long term goal, ‘living your life in the future’, is counter productive, certainly at my age.

I know many people (mostly asians, factly), that talk about “they need to study in order to get a nice job”. They are focussing on their future, but in a way that doesn’t feed their zest for life, but rather make everything they do some kind of obligation to themselves. The result: they get depressed, get lesser results, and quit because they can’t stand what they’re doing any longer.

In my case, I believe I’m doing the right thing. Sometimes I let my mind wander off, and I imagine myself being a physics professor who’s also fucking the hottest girls around (ever heard of Richard Feynman? Yep, I imagine myself being him), but then I get back to work and doing what I LOVE.

I learned this the hard way; I tried pursuing a career in music, but miserably failed because every practice session felt like a chore to me, and every time I had the opportunity to learn something from another musician I didn’t take it, because I was afraid that he would be better than me, thus destroying my perception that I could make it as a musician. I (arguably) had the talent, but it was TOTALLY the wrong mind set: my ego was in the way of my growth.

Can you elaborate a little on how “pursuing long term goals” should look like in your eyes (maybe taking my age in consideration)?

 

Seeing as how you are a student of Physics, I assume you know of quantum theory and its many contradictions. How did Niels Bohr defend it, and how did he refute Einstein’s diatribe in their famous debate? He argued that the contradictions inherent in Physics are only contradictions due to the way we perceive them. The dual nature of an electron is not one holistic and uncompromising system – both aspects COMPLIMENT (not rival) each other. Our attempt at reconciling this by concurrently explaining both is faulty in and of itself.

The contradiction you pointed out is the same. In order to get women, you must have an attitude that says “women are only compliments to my life.” But if you adopt this attitude in order TO get girls, it begs the question of the goal OF your goals (In order to get women, you need to have goals outside of women, but if you have goals outside of women in order to get them, isn’t getting women the goal of having other goals?).

Saying it is then a “facade” and inauthentic, again, begs the question of what is genuine. Do you think were yourself BEFORE you learned game, and now you’re a fake person because you consciously know how to act to make yourself more attractive? If you do, then I must ask you, when were you genuine? Back when your entire personality was a social construct stemming from one giant cultural apparatus that functions in accord with the female imperative? Back when all of your thoughts were filtered through a collective social conscious and your perception of the world molded by stigma and hyper-capitalism?

Seduction, and life in general, is paradoxical by definition. Any attempt to study or practice either to success requires that you adopt a paradoxical nature yourself.

As for your other question, you must divide your focus between long-term goals and short-term goals. If you focus too much on long-term goals, your passion will die out because you will lack tangible markers that let you know you’re making progress. Everything will turn into an obligation aimed at achieving something years and years away. If you focus too much on short-term goals, you will lack an ultimate vision and often find yourself asking “why am I doing this?” They key is to strike a balance between both.

For instance, your long term goal can be becoming a physics professor/playboy. I personally know many people who have taken that exact path. They might not be the wealthiest but their positions grant a sense of power and authority; and they are VERY good at running extremely refined c/f. A girl will ask them “ohh so are you smart?” and they’ll be able to hold eye contact with such deep penetration and reply “Smart? I’m a genius,” that she, and everyone else who heard, believes it as much he does. They aren’t your average socially awkward nerd. Neither are they feminine or high-energy, they would not strike you as a “PUA”. They are very, very intimidating to be around and maintain extremely deep, masculine, Alpha vibes. It’s easy to be confident to the point of a god-complex when you think of yourself as smarter than everyone around you. And yes, that attitude guns down women like none other. Think along the lines of:

Her: “Wow you got a 41 on the MCATs??”
You: “Yah.”
Her: “That’s really good! did you study alot?”
You: “No, I’m good at everything I do.”

For short term goals, you want to think about your GPA, the gym, women, getting into triple 9 society, things of that sort. You still need the dopamine rush of success to keep feeding you energy. But you need to balance that out with long-term goals so that you don’t get too caught up with illusory ambitions. For instance, if you start getting too caught up with a girl or some hobby, you should be able to remind yourself “I want to be HERE in 7 years. Spending too much time in this will move me AWAY from that goal.” QZ posted a story on Usain Bolt that should illustrate this perfectly.

 

PurplePhoenix:

Shark, i need help again. My cousin is 18 and he is running after this girl. I tried to teach him some game, even introduced him to the community, gave him all my pick up books, but i still cant see even a shred of the same transformation in him after i discovered ur blog. This is what he wrote on the forum after i suggested that he join it… http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=193750

The whole thing comes back to the same point, how to help others with ur knowledge of the game ?

 

You can’t. The most you can do is show people the way, you cannot take them through it. It’s because of the very nature of Game. It is counter-intuitive, requires one to admit and confront their shortcomings, and remodel their perception of the world. The red-pill revelation is too much to bear for most; read NoSpoon’s comment in Project Mayhem.

But you can take a better approach by being more lax about it. Psych 101: people are more likely to conform to an idea if they believe it was their own, or at least partially their own. Somewhat like inception. What you need to do is clearly SHOW him that you are successful with women. He needs to SEE that you are. He’ll then note it, and start trying to learn from you himself. If you try and force an epiphany upon him by TELLING him “you need to change your game,” there will be too much internal resistance on his part.

 

James:

My story
i wanted to share a problem with you, ur site has made me understand some of the universal questions a man can ask in regards relationship problems, internal game etc and im truly grateful, i have become more in-touch with myself then ever, i can understand myself and the people around me better. however regarding this matter, i just realized i was always an alpha, not bragging but i always followed my fathers behavior, he is a politician, ex minister of defense in my country, ex soldier and i noticed NOW that he is a pure solid super alpha, even thought he fucks up my mind with his political mind games everytime i ask him for money but i love him he is the best father figure i can ever follow, he is also very romantic guy so romantic that he was in the newspapers for infidelity and he published songs abt it, crazy i kno, just imagine my moms reaction to this, but still they are happily married and mom is happy so im happy, ofcourse now and then i’d idolize Arnold and Dorian Yates, Hritik Rosan. As i told u earlier im working on my approached now, then slowly shift to number close etc, The thing i realized was that if i have one girl with me (just even a female friend) i become hercules alpha, i have the confidence to approch rachel weisz and fuck her balls deep in front of every1 in a shoping center. and if i have a girlfriend with me (who i have sexual intercourse with) ohh man i will beocme hercules alpha, WILL SMITH will look BETA in frnt of me, not joking, i become like a lion alpha, this is a problem. if i have no girl i become like pussy ass half arab bitch beta limp noodle dick, 0 confidence, always anxity, always thinking is my belly bigger than my tits ? always thinking weather i look like gaddafi since im half arab, feear of approach cuz im alone (all my frnds have their own gf and they dont hang out with me anymore) sad but i dont mind cuz deep inside i know its just a matter of time they’ll bow down to me and worship me as they used to when i had a gf and didnt hangout with them as much (i kno i should be dependent of a chick to gain fame but i seriosuly dont understand guy friends, if i have a chick with me they lick my ass, if i dont have any chick with me they dont even know me) anyways if i’d do it once’ i can do it again.(get a gf so preety which will plug their eyes out)

My problem
Today a chick texted me “DONT EVEN FUCKING TEXT ME I HAVE ZERO RESPECT FOR YOU) i replied “thanx god finally :D” no i didnt have any feelings for her, just wanted to fuck her, i was rather happy she said this cuz this means i shouldnt be wasting any more time on her since she will not fuck, done deal over, next. but however, wat she did made me realize was that
i am an asshole, natural asshole prolly got it from my father since he has fame/high value in my society so doesnt give a shit most of the time, my mentality was set like this, all the chick i talked with said only one thing in common, “UR AN ASSHOLE” i get that a lot, i dont know how to fix this, i mean i cant believe im saiying this but, “how to be nice ?” i think i neg too much but then again if i dont neg they climb up in my shoulder or lose interest/attraction. i know my problems are fucked up inside and out, im not that bad looking, some girls say im gorgeous, i dont stink, im build, i have mid long hair, always wear proper clothers armani style, i dont come close to looking like an average joe, AND MAYBE THATS THE PROBLEM, i look too intimidating, one chick said i look rough like imma fuck the shit outta u and she said “i got disspointed cuz i thought u were rough n tough but ur very nice to me, its like fake, i feel cheated” in my mind i was saying “ya im nice to u cuz im going to fuck u” im an asshole, i look like an asshole how can i be nice to girls, how can i be top amongst friends? how can i win the world ? how to be popular in college ?

 

I see three issues here.

Not being able to approach or maintain frame without a girlfriend is due to a lack of immersion. You are not in the moment; you are thinking too much about your external reality and other people’s perception of you. You need to learn the holiest of Zen ways, the art of giving a whole lot less of a fuck. Not giving a fuck about how you look, how you talk, how people perceive you, what people think of you, and whether you have any social proof. Your frame is currently dependent on having a mental cushion. When you have a girlfriend, you are able to lift any expectations from your current mind and become OUTCOME INDEPENDENT – the lifeblood of not giving a fuck. Think back to the philosophical ways of Fightclub. There’s two ways to not give a fuck. You either already have what you want (women), or you don’t care about what you want. The latter is the rawest of zen ways, a higher level of internal control than where you currently are. Somewhat discussed in the post on male scripts – Alpha is a way of thinking that extends naturally under certain circumstances, such as when you already have a girlfriend or are in a position of leadership. Your goal now is to internalize that mind set and turn it into an aqueous and eternal state of belief.

You have already described the problem inherent with asshole game. There’s a richter scale for assholeness, different girls react to it differently. Some girls need assholes of epic proportions, some prefer men who are Alpha but border-line nice guy. What you are trying to do is find at attitude that maximizes your chances with all women, but this is not the acme of seduction. You do not adopt an attitude that suits ALL GIRLS, you adopt an attitude that suits ONE girl, or the circumstances at hand. Reading your target, the environment, and fluidly adapting afterwards is what you need to learn. The girl who lamented about you being too nice, needed to be cock slapped a few times. She needed pure, unadulterated, aggressive asshole game mixed with some c/f to build comfort. Other girls who detest your assholeness need you to tone it down. You must be able to read and understand the people you’re talking to and calibrate with the perfect mix of attitudes.

The third issue, about being the best, stems from your first issue. Stop caring. Wanting to be the most popular person in college is a juvenile goal. Your success should never be relative to other people, it’s always you against you. You should care more about doing the things you love, doing well in school, and living to the highest of your potentials. The mindset you currently have is self-defeating. The more you try and top your friends, the more try-hard you become, and the more your insecurities are externalized and channeled in the wrong direction. The goal is, and has always been, self-mastery; not world mastery. Self mastery will give you world mastery, but world mastery will never give you self-mastery.

 

Drive:

Shark, I’ve reached a pretty low point in my life. Anything you have to say about this would be taken at high value.

I’m currently living in a foreign country, and my girlfriend dumped me about 2 and half months ago. She lives right down the street from me. The split was truly like a divorce, even though we are both young. Anyway, my Oneitis is strong, mostly because I don’t have any other options and she was my family unit here. I pretty much lived with her and her mother. We have remained somewhat in contact, her keeping me in her “casino” in hope to win more. The great memories of me and her burn through my head.

Anyway, I’ve developed some pretty bad habits as a result, smoking cigarettes has increased, my drinking has increased, my physical activity has decreased significantly, and I’ve lost a passion for my job which I used to have a pretty strong passion for. My obsessive behavior takes control of me. I find myself lurking on her facebook a lot, multiple times a day. And this is my problem and don’t know why I can’t control it. I don’t know how to control this shit. The facebook shit has become extremely complicated, I was connected with her mother as mother/son-in-law on Facebook. I recently broke it because I felt like it was time. And my ex has responded in her own way to it — changing her status to widowed, as if I have “died” — sticking the dagger further through me than it already is.

Meeting other people is not easy, due to the language barrier and the fact that I’m not identified in any social groups and the fact that I really don’t have many friends here. I’m kind of just drifting — I do have an ambition to learn the language and start studying full time starting in the fall. But I doubt how far this will really get me.

I feel like meeting a new girl would help this a lot. I’m definitely seeking a new relationship, but would also like to revive something with me and my ex. I’m open to both.

Anyway — I feel like my first steps need to be to break remaining connections with my ex in order for there to be any chance of me being in the mind state to start a new relationship — either with her or somebody else. I know you say that defriending an ex on facebook will reinforce my Oneitis, but would you recommed something like this in my situation? Everytime I see her on facebook it triggers horrible feelings — example: her reaction to me breaking the family ties on facebook. I now feel like absolute shit for breaking that connection, especially when her and her mother were my family here. Her mother even signed papers for me to be a legal resident on her flat, which I still am. Complicating things even further.

She really hasn’t carried any pain of this break up — I’ve carried it all. She knows I’m still “around”. I feel like I need to say goodbye to her forever, either face to face or through a text, and give her these true feelings of loss, instead of just ignoring any further contact she tries to initate. Do you feel like this is a good solution next time she tries to contact me? What are some steps I can take? How can I control my obsessive behavior? Anything you got right now Shark, would be greatly appreciated.

 

Your idea of saying goodbye forever is an attempt at getting closure for your Oneitis and a subconscious “ultimatum” for her because you believe that by making it clear that you are saying “goodbye forever,” she must talk to you, else lose you for good. Neither will suffice; judging from her indifferent attitude she has already desecksualized you to a great degree and you are the more dependent person. A goodbye forever will fuck with your own frame more than hers. And an ultimatum is a statement of powerlessness. While it seems to be the contrary – what you are actually communicating is that you are backed up against a wall and have no other options besides saying goodbye forever as a last ditch attempt at extracting an emotional reaction from her or giving yourself much needed closure from your psychological dependency. Either ways, you move more towards game over than scoring anything.

Which brings us to a much contended fundamental; what attitude is chick crack post-break up and treats Oneitis infections most thoroughly? Not giving a fuck. And on this, you are failing horrendously. Stop being an emotional wad and get your act back together. If facebook is affecting you, stop logging on. If going to her casino makes you relapse and lose more than just your mind, stop going. It comes down to will power, nothing more and nothing less.

Cut your connections with her, move on, meet other people. She’s keeping you around because she likes to see you broken, it’s more and more self-affirmation for her. Until you show her the opposite, you have no chance of either moving on, nor getting her back.

 

Pa1:

Hi Shark I posted this comment on othe page on your blogs hopping to get answer thank you .

Shark
I walked away from my girl friend last week after I saw a text message from other mail a d when I asked her she said he is from work and be hit on her long time ago but nothing happen she saide trust me and she lie about meeting lucitoin with her boss and she sade she don’t have to a prove it so I told her if you not gonna prove it I am walking away
So for week we didn’t talk I Brock the roll I called her no answer
I went to her place to see what she is doing I saw her going with her friend so I went to the place that she was going she saw me in the car I told her I meeting with me friend he live close By , she saide she wanna drop her friend home but no true she was going to club in the same place she saw me I asked her to talk she asked why you didn’t call me for A week I said I was busy and tierd and I Still love her and I was thinking about her I didnt have enugh sleep she told me that I told her its over I told her I don’t mean it she is I don’t know that what you told me any Whay I have to go I call you tomorrow , this night I cloudint sleep , so my friend get upset at me for what I did . she text the next day asking g me how I know she was there that night I did t replay the next day she text so no answer no worry I get it i dint ansower too . So i don’t no what to do I Still love her and I can’t get over her my friends against me . They and I know she is not to good for me I dont no what do .
Thank you

 

Dump her and move on. Her antics made you more attached to her because you have Oneitis and she didn’t chase you back when you froze her out. You handled it incorrectly and came off more as a sulking AFC than a respectable boyfriend who won’t tolerate cheating or anything sketchy. She is clearly detached from your relationship and the power balance is far lopsided in her favor. Following her was a bad choice, never, ever do that again with a girl.

 

Nemesis:


Shark, please explain using the hypergamy theory why some women masturbate and fantasize thinking about their loser beta friends, why are pornstars happy with their job, and why some women love the idea of threesomes with two guys. I thought about this when today my gf told me she was horny at the mall and she was fantasizing about being raped by a loser worker there (she emphasized “loser”) and she got wet. Now I’m not saying it’s a problem to me, I just wanted to find a reason for these mechanisms.

 

Women have a lot of fantasies, probably more than any single man could conceive, besides me as the sole exception. Think about that statement carefully – “being raped by a loser.” Rape fantasies are common, they allow women to explore their most submissive of desires and transgress the social norms that surround them. A loser only serves to contrast the idea of rape further; as rape is by virtue an extremely aggressive and dominant act. She didn’t fantasize about being “loved and cared for” by a loser now did she?

 

Dreamer:

shark, you are a piscean. you sounds like one and i have no wonder why they say that pisces are one of the most advanced signs of this planet.

i am the one myself, and you are a mentor for me.

 

Try again.

 

Drive:

More yet: Should you ever confront your ex about the satellite position in which she has established you and the games she is playing? And tell her that you are not going to play the game being offered? is that ever a good move to make during post-break up?

Here’s my casino theory, which I think you might find interesting:

There is a certain psychological technique that they take advantage of in casinos: in order to make people addicted and not leave the game after they lose, they let them win from time to time — not a lot, just a bit, just enough to get people hooked on hope to win more, because winning is obviously possible… Eventually people get obsessed with trying to win, and loose a lot of money in the process. This post break up game seems to be similar: as soon as she senses I am considering leaving the game (not answering her messages or giving less attention), she lets me “win” a bit : “I kinda miss you”, “Your great”, “I love you”, “Can I see you?” etc. It is not enough to actually develop a relationship, but enough to keep me hooked… I was trying to use the metaphor of “leaving the casino” for refusing to play the game offered to me.

She the girl be confronted about the games she is playing? Then tell her that you love her but you’re leaving the game. I feel like this is a noble approach to take. What do you think? Sorry for the subsequent posts!

 

She’s not “playing games,” you are understanding her actions through the optic of a man. Women function intuitively, anything she does is a subconscious reaction, not a well-thought out plan aimed at undermining your frame, even though that might as well be the result. In other words, you will attain nothing more than resentment and an oblivious reaction if you try and confront her about it. Women are averse to overt communication, I’ll do a post on exactly why soon.

The phrase “playing games” is a terrible way to put it. It’s littered with negative connotations because this is precisely what The Matrix would demand, a taboo on the exploitation of female/male psychology to reap the benefits of bio-mechanics. It functions in accord with the female imperative because women are naturally good at it, and men can only be consciously good at it (in the absence of reproductive proxies), allowing the former to succeed and the latter to be trimmed down to men with reproductive value. Robert Greene said it best – you are forced to play games in this world, so you might as well be good at it. Not talking to your ex will make her crazy for you. Manipulative? Playing Games? It doesn’t matter how you phrase it, the fact stands, and will always stand. You can adapt to it, or you can reject it. It will not change in accordance with your perception.

Your casino parallel is gold, that’s exactly how push/pull works. What you must do now is reverse that script in your favor. Right now she’s the one who’s rewarding you to keep you in orbit. The next time she says “I want to see you,” don’t see her. Right away you gain frame control and are then the determinant factor. Chat with her lightly, and see her eventually, but on better terms. In other words, make it so that you are the one pushing and pulling. Be the less invested person, she should be the more REACTIVE person.

 

Drive:


Shark, me and an ex have been going through back and forth shit for over two months. I started giving a lot less attention and then she started to crack and got pretty eager to meet. So we met. Now I feel like the back and forth shit is gonna keep going. We agreed to meet for lunch, she said she could any day this week. Then I asked her, and she said she couldnt today. In order to break this cycle, something needs to be done. I know you don’t like the ideas of “Lay your cards on the table.” But the cycle needs to broken and I need to maintain dignity. What do you think about the idea of telling an ex: Look, don’t call or text me unless you’re interested in starting something again, and then maybe I’ll think about it. Then I break the connections. (Im “legally” listed on her flat and we have concert tickets together, facebook friends, etc.) I think like you said, nothing will drive us back together unless she feels the loss. So I feel like breaking these connections and talking about this would drill the loss into her, and make her ambivalent side come to a more clear truth. What do you think man!? Help !

 

Read the explanation on ultimatums from one of the responses above. An ultimatum is a statement of powerlessness. You are going to accomplish nothing by giving one to her. Your inclination to lay your cards on the table is a beta tendency. Patience is the refined art of confidence. Women escalate when they wish to monopolize your attention. Unless you’re talking to other women, she will never feel this way. Likely, she sees herself as the only source of intimacy you have access to, and thus, sees no reason to establish exclusivity or a relationship. You need to increase your value in her eyes.

Your idea of breaking the cycle while maintaining dignity is another example of AFC rationalization. It is inherently flawed and betaesque, but masked with the misconception that something “must be done.” That thought, in and of itself, is beta. You must never feel you must break anything, progress anywhere, or feel a sense of urgency. An Alpha state of mind is an unreactive state of mind. You must be outcome independent. If you want to communicate loss to her, be less available and work on yourself. Do not try and TELL her she’s going to lose you.

 

Stuart:

Shark I would love some ADVICE on a interesting situation I have. If this is the last advice you ever give me, PLEASE let it be this post.

Me and this girl were talking on line for a few years, now she was never my girlfriend but about a year ago we used to tell each other we loved each other and act it and we were real close. Fast forward one year we don’t say it any more. When her interest level declined, I declined mine too and it pulled her back in. I told her I wanted to be with her and she said the same. Her actions matched her words.

I never beta back-slid, her interest level was at around 90% for a year. We talked hours every night, I vanished for a long time in between keeping her interest level high, building competitive anxiety mixed in with vulnerability game while pursuing other women, while keeping my game TIGHT with teasing and a strong frame and burning shit tests to the ground. (Shes a option to me and a good option) I told her I am going to come see her as soon as I get a job. (But finding a job is a long process for me in the UK)

This girl was home schooled all her life and never knew her true value. She is a hot girl with no beauty complex. Recently she started school so I decided to LJBF’d her. I knew she’d get attention from men so I decided to step back and be chill and persue my passions. She is a hot girl with no beauty complex. I played it safe.

Now fast forward a few more months, recently I noticed her interest level rapidly declining. Its been from around a consistent 80-90% for a year but now its dropped to around 60-70%. I said to her ”Is everything ok recently and she said she noticed my behaviour changing. I made a beta mistake and said ” How do you feel about me? She said she doesn’t know because she didn’t know how I felt. I told her I love her but she never told me she loved me back. I figure she would have if she truly did? Like she used to. Apparently my behaviour is changing but she still feels how she always felt. Nowadays she’ll tell me she is more busy and i’ll be chill about it.

However ”View her ACTIONS not her WORDS’ come into play and she doesn’t tell me she loves me or appear as interested as she once was. I mean, she signs off line or goes ‘away’ when I come on but still kind of seems happy to see me but responds in less time. Just she doesn’t tell me shes horny any more or she loves me. She comes from a strict family but then again all women run by code. She’ll message me too so its a mixed thing.

I mean, she still comes on line a lot and is pleased to see me but this drop in interest from 90% to 60-70% is quite apparent and it is declining gradually. My question to you is, how should I play it from now on? Should I come on line EVEN LESS and show my interest decline ? Do I completely move on and take the ass hole route instead of the blubbering beta? I’d like to keep the door open for us in the future. Should i address the issue and tell her i noticed she doesn’t feel the same any more OR simply do nothing and let her interest decline while mine declines also? She doesn’t tell me she is horny any more, I get pussy outside this ‘thing we have got going on’ but shes a option i’d like to keep alive till I can go see her. I am getting the impression she is having interests in someone else by her behavioural and pattern shifts.

It is quite apparent I am caring more than she does right now. She doesn’t say much affectional things to me any more but still comes on line a lot to chat. Doesn’t tell me she misses me either. But then notices when I go quiet and asks me. I still keep the sexual tension, teasing but things seem differant than a year a go. I guess I tell her I miss her and slightly more affectionate than she is.

How do I play this SHARK? My goal is to simply keep the interest high so I can go see her when I save up. Am I being a beta about any of this? What do I do to do the right alpha thing? Have you noticed anything that i’ve done/ doing wrong? We talk on line mainly, its not a relationship but kind of feels like one. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

A simple matter, most of your problems are embedded within your response. If you re-read it without any emotional ties, you will see them yourself.

“I said to her ”Is everything ok recently and she said she noticed my behaviour changing. I made a beta mistake and said ” How do you feel about me? She said she doesn’t know because she didn’t know how I felt. I told her I love her but she never told me she loved me back. I figure she would have if she truly did? Like she used to. Apparently my behaviour is changing but she still feels how she always felt. Nowadays she’ll tell me she is more busy and i’ll be chill about it.”

She notices a shift in your dynamic and thus projects the change unto you, when it is more a result of both her new circumstances, perception, and your new laid back attitude. You gave up any hand the moment you said “how do you feel about me,” by indicating you care how she feels about you, stripping away an outcome independent aura. She might have said she loved you that moment, but as soon as you said you love her, attraction, challenge, and dominance all dropped dead.

You answered your own question. How do you keep interest in a girl high? Talk to other girls, work on yourself, don’t care as much. If she’s not attracted to you already, your aloofness isn’t going to do anything. Freeze-outs require the subtext of high interest, for her to even care and notice that you’re not talking as much.

 

The general theme of these comments seems to be caring far too much. All of you have to learn to let go.

 

 

16 Responses to “Comments”

  • Attempt at Alpha

    Hey Shark,

    I was reading back on my old notes I took from the Delusional Damage website and Freeman said, “* DON’T TRY TO IMPRESS HER IN ANY WAY. Don’t show off. Don’t talk about accomplishments or possessions. As soon as she perceives that you are trying to prove yourself to her, she loses all interest.”

    I thought you told us to try and show off our accomplishments to the women.

    And also he said, ” To get a woman attracted / emotionally vulnerable, give her lots of emotions and feelings. Don’t just make her feel good. Make her feel good, and angry, and sad, and connected, and astonished, and intrigued, etc. Make her laugh. Tease her. Tell stories about your sick puppy. Tell her why things would never work out between the two of you.”

    I thought you told us to not show emotions.

    I’m confused, Shark. How would I go about this? Whose advice should I follow?

  • M

    Shark i have a problem maybe u can help me…the thing iis that ive always been good in bed…i would last 30+ minutes in bed. But i dont know why for the past 2 weeks ive havent been lasting more that 5 minutes…idk whats wrong …everytime im gonna have sex i try to clear my mind from bad thought and just be in the momment…do u have any advice or know any good websites that can help me overcome this problem? Maybe write a post about performance anxiety? I know u emailed another guy about this kind of problem with some stuff to help him…i would really appropriated

    • The Original M

      To M [from M, now various pseudonyms, as per Shark's request in response to a question posed by me (formerly known as M)...],

      As I’ve rambled before about the synchronicity evident, or made apparent via my mental matrices & their phenomena-noumena interface/ organisation, I too think you should, Shark, post something along the lines of the above question posited by “M”.

      I mention synchronicity because not but two weeks ago did I choose to quit drinking on my own accord; I was consuming the intoxicant like I was Dylan Thomas, Humphrey Bogart, Charles Bukowski, or Poe on his final dead-in-a-ditch poisoned poker matched day. It got really bad the last 9 months, as I was consuming on average I’ll say 3/4 of a fifth of whiskey a day – sometimes more, sometimes less (dependent upon myriad factors) . And holy shit, doing the measurements, that’s roughly 200 units of alcohol per week. I should be dead.

      I can’t speak for all alcoholics, or those with alcoholic tendencies, or those who develop an, due to circumstantial, environmental, psychobiochemical, et. al, etc…adaptability or affinity for alcohol, but I know for me, since the beginning of my daily drinking, progressive tolerance, and increased consumption of the substance (7 or 8 years ago), that one of the main, if not foundational reasons for developing a serious dedication as a self-proclaimed (half-jokingly; manically seriously) reincarnation of Dionysus/ Bacchus and Hermes/Mercury, that alcohol was used by me as more than a social lubricant, poetic bliss agent, means toward achieving demigod-like confidence, etc…but primarily as a means to overcome not only “performance anxiety”, but I’ll say here, an active agent which dissipated my religiously endowed & unfortunately constantly reinforced from an early age psychological FEAR of sex & sexual acts in general, which was instilled, and thus I chose the blood of Christ to the nth degree as my distilled process of filtering out my Psyche’s abnormal understanding of sexuality.

      Alcohol was for me, in other words, attached exclusively to sex; amongst other things, like writing, painting, playing music, talking, breathing, sleeping, eating,..

      Anyway, my girlfriend, fortunately, is still with me, and sex is slowly improving without alcohol in certain ways – mainly in the aspect of me being ALL there, aware, and such.

      But, that does not remove the many years of self-reinforced cognitive dependence on a substance to make me entirely comfortable sexually. With whiskey in my gut, I wasn’t afraid to fuck in public, to be filmed, to be in threesomes, to initiate everything, to be basically that sexual beast that women loved. Now, I feel coy, or inadequate in that I don’t perform the same (or don’t feel the same confidence I used to while engaging in sexual activities), on top of the fact that I am basically relearning every single human behavior without alcohol. And sex being a primary function/ necessity in relationships, re-learning sex is both fun, orgasmic, and stimulating, while simultaneously aggravating for me, in my current predicament. Before, even if I’d get whiskey dick, or be too drunk sometimes, the mindblowing fuck that I’d instill in my gf/ or whoever it was at the time, would leave her begging for more. I was an animal, I was awesome in bed. And every girl I’d been with, minus one one night stand where I basically stuck my dick in her and passed out mid-sex, can attest to this.

      But now, without inebriation, without what I’m USED TO, I don’t last as long as I want, nor as long as my girlfriend would like, and I need to find a way to improve, otherwise I’ll feel lesser of myself, and my girlfriend will slowly lose attraction to me, knowing there are many out there who want her and can fuck her without having to drink to fuck her as awesome as I used to.

      Progressively I’m gaining more control as we fuck more (and it’s only been 2 weeks without drink, which I’m sure has a lot to do with this), but I require at least 30 minutes with my gf to get her off like I was able to before; and currently I can hardly last a few minutes of intercourse with my newfound sobriety (for some reason I could get a bj for like an hour still – which feels infinitely better anyway [to me], yet intercourse seems to make my little sailors want to jump into the Ovarian death trap and find their way into becoming human far too quickly…

      Summation: please do a post on sex in general, and confidence thereof; include if possible tips on NOT resorting to alcohol to loosen up or be comfortable, or methods of conditioning oneself into becoming the god in bed we are/ were/ or are apt to be[come].

      Thanks.

      M

  • James

    shark ur comment made by day, oh and ur either a virgo or an aries, how did i do ?

  • Al

    I came across this CNN clip on the attachment parenting cover of Time magazine:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1jT-T05pNtY#!

    I was disgusted and cringing the whole time. The two women ran their mouths off, vomiting girl power decorated with a pretense of objectiveness. I’m relieved that the men at least made visible objections, however feeble. On second thought…the men were probably instructed to make those objections look as weak as possible.

    I’m sure this issue will instigate a wave in the manosphere, but it’s depressing to know how it would most likely be perceived in the mainstream public…

  • Thanks Shark, it helped a lot.

  • kenny

    Shark, please talk about caring to little. This is my problem. I don’t let my emotions control my actions, but this leaves me not carrying at all and i fail to connect with girls. My lack of emotional investment is from all the pua shit i read. I just need to know what to say or how to invest in a girl properly.

    • hey

      try touching the girls you want to be connected to if you havent been doing so already. that physical connection will translate into emotional connection for both of you, since that’s how touching works.

      and don’t get discouraged if you or she feels awkward when you touch her at first; it’ll probably look really unnatural for you to be touching, but, with experience, you will get better at it. the end goal for you is to touch her because you want to touch her (you do want to: touching creates connections), not because you’ve been told to. touching a girl because you want to produces a genuine act of touching, touching a girl because youve been told you does not

  • Don Johnson

    Hello Shark, I just have a few question’s that only a certain type of person will be able to answer. I hope that you are that type of person.

    First, I am an attractive 19 year old man, and I get approached somewhat often, by good looking women. My point is that I dont really have any problems with getting the women. How can I introduce the idea of hooking or becoming a prostitute, to a few of these girls. How do you think most will react? I want to expose them to the idea in a way that will not arouse resentment.

    Second, I have been lifting weights to strengthen and toughen up my body. What would you recommend to me to strengthen and toughen up my mind. I’m interested in just being so mentally tough, that nothing can “BREAK” me. like an ice cold navy seal killer, outside of the navy.

    Third explain to me, if you know, how a pimp usually turns out a new 18 year old girl and what is the proscess by which she goes from school girl to street walker.

  • FatCat

    What is your opinion of these books?
    Think and Grow Rich
    How to Win Friends and Influence People
    Thus Spoke Zarathustra

    Have you read them?
    What will each teach a man?
    What will each help with in life?
    Do you recommend reading them?
    What other books do you recommend to someone who craves knowledge and power?

    P.S. I read how to win friends and think it is an awesome book for my needs, but what are your veiws

  • Red

    I’ve had an epiphany recently regarding immersion. I came across your blog almost a year ago and that’s when I started to awaken. It gave me the mindfuck I needed, and forced me to change my rational operating system about how I view the world. In a way, you set the foundation for me to become the best me I can be… but there was something missing. The more I read the more I led myself into this hyper-rational frame of mind that absolutely killed immersion. Despite the fact that I was approaching girls, I couldn’t connect with them (still got laid more than I used to, but it was often exhausting… felt like a chore to build to some long-term goal of getting better with women).

    I started looking into PUA forums to work on my external game which fucked me up even more. I learned a hell of a lot, but I couldn’t be congruent with it. I did a pickup bootcamp (and approached more women that weekend than I had in my entire life)… but was even more fucked up after that because I was piling rules on top of rules and couldn’t be “in the moment”. I started wondering why the only girls I could connect with were my LTR-ex and a girl I hooked up with shortly after my ex and had been seeing casually.

    I would start not reading the blog for periods of time… You threw the 30-day challenge at the readers where I was on less often… The more I backed away from reading and thinking overtly about Game the better I got and felt and the more I could be in the moment with people I knew… but then I’d come back when I felt the need to clarify something new and would drop off again. I knew what was going on so I started taking on all kinds of approaches to loosening myself up – acting, writing, singing, practicing speaking out loud in my car or room, etc. It all kind of helped when I was doing it, but it was superfluous… it didn’t carry much permanence into the rest of my life because without being able to do these things continuously I was still over-analyzing everything else. It was kind of like that “oh, that’s nice, I feel good when I do these things but I still feel like I’m working off the wrong ‘operating system’”. Not only that, but my ego had definitely been getting huge and fragile.

    Just recently I had an experience where I went to a fancy bar and, after getting myself pumped up, started approaching girl after girl with no hesitation. I had no success, but I didn’t care – I was fucking manic and kept going. I left feeling good (if somewhat strange), but there was something eating away at me… kind of a what the fuck is wrong with me sort of feeling. I couldn’t sleep that night.

    Recently I’ve been getting the itch to travel, and started looking for good travel blogs. Well I came across this one blog about a guy who’s currently in Thailand. The blog is called Cedonulli (Part Deux). A lot of his experiences, and his writing style (which tends to be less logical and structured than yours) really resonate with me – the guy is an asshole in many of the same ways I’ve been an asshole in my life. My default state is generally polite, unassuming, and opportunistic. My good friends (only a select few I would put in this category) know I can rip them a new one because they’ve experienced it, but typically that’s not me. I tend not to dominate the social circle or conversations (except when suddenly I do). When I play video games I play the dude who’s the sniper or rolls in guns a blazing then gets the hell out of dodge.

    Today this post came out on his blog:
    http://two.cedonulli.com/2012/05/alpha-is-beta/

    While not totally eye opening for me, it basically put in context what I’ve been realizing about myself lately. I never have liked being the de facto leader… I enjoy leading, but I don’t like being on a big visible pedestal in front of everyone all the time. I lead from the sidelines. I grab the reins when the opportunity presents itself, accomplish whatever I wanted to accomplish (usually following my gut towards some plan or vision I’m working towards), then graciously hand or sell them off to someone else who wants to be in the spotlight.

    In social circles, to truly immerse myself, I need to step back and become nothing. I have suave friends who can talk for hours and entertain a crowd, cracking jokes, being playful, and just being totally in tune with the conversation. My best results come from ignoring most of the conversation a group is having, coming in when something interests me, and then leaving afterwards. I like steering the conversation more than I like dominating it. I’ve stopped using dominant body language for anything more than a very specific goal/task. I’ve gone back to staring off into space most of the time… and not pinging off of other people (which I’ve noticed on a couple of occasions has led more people to ping off of me… I’m sure there’s some other subtle body language changes happening because of my aloofness but I honestly don’t think about it, I just act how I feel like acting… which isn’t being talkative the way most talkative people think you should be when you just ‘act natural’… fuck that ;) ).

  • Curious

    Hey Shark,

    I have read many of your articles recently and found them very informative and truly inspiring indeed. However, even though you may have discussed similar issue earlier, I would still like to draw your attentiom to assess this situation in my relationship. I’ve been dating this girl for 7 months now and I really do enjoy spending time together with her. Now, I am highly motivated 12 year student with ambitious goals to accomplish in the near future. I tend to work hard and luckily succeed in achieving every milestone towards my goal to acquire good career later on. I am well recognised in my school community and seem to be respected for my steel drive and independace. 

    So, I met this girl at school (we’ve been having classes together, but never talked nor noticed each other). One day I thought it could work for me to ask her on a date with me, my friend and his gf. It was completely random and I did it through facebook. She agreed. We met up at the Mall. Most of the time she was silent, though laughed at some jokes I threw. That was the beginning. She really didn’t expect me to be well dressed or funny and intresting at all as I found out later from her. I am not ugly, and girls find me attractive actually. Such prejudgement of hers is probably because I may could have seemed a bit of a nerd at school, since I started to study hard after stopping hanging out with notorious friends who had bad influence on me. I realised this life has much more to offer and killing your time doing nothing wouldn’t really help to get use of it at all. I quit smoking, drinking alcohol and went hardcore studying 3 years non stop, thus earning some sort of reputation in the end. Nobody would push me, nor fuck around, since I can stand for myself. 

    Okay, now about the issue I’m having. This girl (an 8) looks rather shy at first, but I am ok with that. I love her nature. She pretends to be not afraid of anything and sometimes tries to maintain frame control of a tough guy. She always says she’s not affected by anything, nor could be influenced by anyone and she’s stubborn as fuck. But I can literally feel her instability through unconfident behaviour, laugh and etc. Generally, she told me she is more interested in manly stuff like construction, cars and etc. Even mentioned she would rather be a guy than a girl. I found her character unusual and attractive. However, I suspected she is like that just to cover her insecurities and look strong. The problem I’m having is concerning her attitude to some responsibilities each part has to take in the relationship. We would meet at school rather rarely and hang out just once a week or two. I do invite her to go out about twice a week, but get rejected sometimes, as she says to be busy with family and  etc. And this is what pisses me off badly. Or did, as I learned to be patient and not show too much effort to meet her. She never invited me to go anywhere as she believes it’s a guy’s duty. Did a few times, when brought me to meet her family few weeks after we had secks (she said it was the best night ever in her life (music, aroma candles, wine. Did it the right way)). Ok,  I thought, maybe her behaviour would change after this. Guess what. It did not. She gets pissed if I don’t text her, but doesn’t text herself. Does text, but only when I have texted many times before. She never says she misses me nor she loves me first, except once on my birthday. Only replies so she does too, when I say I love her. She doesn’t show affection directly. So, I started to show less affection too and became slightly distant from her. Effect? Zero. If I don’t invite, she won’t bother herself to do it either. But probably gets annoyed, but not showing that at all. And I am surprised she is ok to meet up so rarely. All my friends’ gf are not like that. I suppose she is trying to maintain frame of independant woman, but seriously, wtf? I am moving to another country in a week or so, and so does she, but a bit later. I told her that I don’t like to invite her to go out all the time few days ago and she said, she feels awful even when she thinks of an idea to invite a guy on a date. Stoll promised to try. Maybe she is going to change? Fuck knows..

    I have worked on not showing my emotions hard enough and dont show much affection, just maintaining frame, sometimes making jokes of her. She laughts, gets a bit anxious, but I handle it well. 

    What shall I do? How can I make her take iniciative more often to communicate and make her want invite me on a date so bad she would do it. As I am leaving the country to join university and I’m not sure whether I should keep the relationship or quit, as I suspect we would still meet up rarely due to living in different cities (not really far away). She is taking a gap year as not sure what she want in life. So..

    Would love to see the situation from your perspective. Shed some light, Shark. 

    Much appreciated.

  • Ian

    Hey Shark, well i recently asked a chick out to a date….the thing is I fucked it up from the beginning. I was beta and got friend zoned. I read your posts and got inspired to be alpha and to be honest I don’t know the next move. Like i said i asked her out…but it was like “hey wanna catch a movie with me ?”
    She’s like , ” Yeah sure I will”. But a day after, she hasn’t texted back. I of course as a escalating alpha , have not said anything to her and left as it is.Whats the next move?

  • Jack

    God damn you are fucking brilliant. Your reply about ultimatums is so fucking spot on its like an ephinany. You are so right…you never tell them they are losing you…..you show them.

  • Ben

    Hey shark im keen to find out how to improve the sexual relations in my relationship. Also could you grant me some paramount tips to keep her sexually keen. HELP ME SHARK

  • Ryan Smith

    Hey Shark,

    I’m just wondering if you can give me a solution to something I F’ed up on a few days ago, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, as I’ve learnt from past experiences and read in many articles (including your own) but I still managed to fall victim to it – I told a girl the other day that I like her.

    I’ve liked this particular girl now for a few years, and I’ve been told she also ‘liked’ me….trouble is I haven’t really been able to act on it and flirt with her because of the circumstances. (Sister’s best mate’s daughter, & nieces best friend) So, I figured the only real way to show her would be to open up and explain to her how I felt, and then just hope for the best. Seeing as I already have quite abit of status in her eyes anyway…what’s the worst thing that could happen, right? BIG MISTAKE!!!!

    She threw it back in my face by saying that she only really saw me as a friend. At that moment I had realised what I’d done, and I tried to twist it around by explaining that I knew how it felt when someone admits they like you, and that it tends to have the opposite affect. Although my words may of helped slightly, she had still made up her mind….and that was the painful bit,

    For the past few days since it happened I’ve been kicking myself at the fact I already knew doing such a stupid thing would balls my chances up completely…yet I still did it. I’ve had really bad anxiety and depression over this whole thing, and now that I’ve gone and put all my cards in and messed it up completely…things have got alot worse.

    Is there anything I can say or do that’ll turn the tables so she feels attracted to me again? PLEASE, I need advice bad!

    HEELLPPPP… :’-(

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